No false hope today. No motivation. Just waking up late with a sour taste in my mouth and a numb ache in my head. So tired, but I could lie in bed forever and that would still be the case.
I just want the awareness to go away. The regret, shame, loneliness, despair, longing – all of it. So I can focus on getting through my tiny little life. But there’s constant fucking reminders that there’s something else out there, no matter what I do. That I’m missing out on an essential part of the human experience.
I don’t want to see photos of your happiness. I don’t want to hear your news. It’s painful to me. It breaks me out of my own little self-contained bubble, that I’ve constructed to cope. I don’t want that reminder that there’s something I can’t be.
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This is exactly how I feel. Every one sees that I just don’t care. “What’s wrong with you?” “I’m not in a good mood.”
I felt extreme anger today, slammed the dishes around while I washed them. Slammed dishes around while I made breakfast for a family member. Sick of going through the motions and feeling like utter shit.
The sun was bright today. I heard people talking and laughing while I locked myself away in my room. I can’t stand people when they can carry on with their lives like they’re having a good time and I can’t. Trapped in a prison.
A guy I used to see called me up and told me I won’t hear from him in weeks because he’s “low”. I understand, so am I. It makes you want to isolate, but the isolation creates loneliness. Isolation is only fun for me when I have some kind of drug to take, but there are none at this time. So it is only raw awareness of how shitty I feel and how warm weather, more laughter and more people will be coming out.
The only way to get out of this is to force myself to stand back up, start working out again and keep trying, but I just don’t feel like it yet. I will stay down right now. I give in.