I’m afraid to talk about my feelings, because I don’t want to seem as an attention seeker. I’ve always been afraid to open up about the demons in my mind. Until recently, when I found myself curled on the kitchen floor of my parents house, crying, telling my mother I do not want to live anymore.
I’m simply tired of living.
I know this is not normal, I’m not trying to seek attention, I just.. I need to vent to someone, anyone..who will listen.
I’m by no means, “emo” I do not cut, I do not self harm, I do not wear black, or die my hair black etc.
To anyone that looks at me, I’m a normal 23 year old woman. I have accomplished a lot in my life, I have a good job starting, bought myself my own car, in a relationship, graduated high school in 2012. Looking at me, people think I’m just a normal, happy 23 year old woman. But.. I’m not..
I have severe anxiety, I have terrible hair pulling OCD, my mind never.. stops. Ever. No matter how hard I try, my mind never shuts down, I live..every day.. with my mind running more than I can handle. It turns such a minor situation into a nightmare to me.
I always, want to be alone. Always, but at the same time I’m so afraid because my mind will run, without distractions and I’m afraid someone is going to find me because I just can’t take it anymore.
I constantly take on other peoples stresses, no matter what. I just take it on and feel somehow it’s my fault. Something happens in my house, someone gets upset I automatically shut down and just want to be alone. Then people get frustrated because I’m always alone. It’s a never ending cycle.
I feel like a burden, I’m living at home with my parents. Due to a break up with my ex, I had to move home. And my current S.O and I are working all summer home on weekends so we do not have time to look for a place. Even me being alone and in my own space I feel like I’m a burden because I just don’t want to interact, ever.
If someone is frustrated with something I’m attached to, activity plans, pets, friends. I just feel like everyone is mad at me, and it just takes such a toll on me. I cannot handle the stress anymore. At my age, I should be happy. I should be living life to the fullest. But I’m not, money stresses me, family stresses me, my new job I haven’t even started yet – stresses me, my relationship stresses me, I’m just…always..stressed.
What am I doing so wrong, I feel like nothing is going right, when I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I just cannot help it. I could write a book on my life and everything that just leads me to being tired of living. But I just feel like I’ll be seen as an attention seeker or “life’s not that bad, it could be worse”
I’m aware my life could be a lot worse, but when you live with crippling anxiety it just seems like nothing can go right. Ever.
2 comments
Brief explanation for this to make sense:
I have chronic health problems that make me essentially disabled, but nothing visible like a missing leg. And (as probably the majority of people on this site) anxiety and depression.
I’m gonna tell you what I had to tell my friends – just because one problem may be objectively worse, that doesn’t mean another isn’t still awful, or subjectively worse. For a normal person, having 5/10 pain for a whole day would be horrible, for me that’s a good day. On the flip side, a normal person’s (non-super-close) friend growing distant wouldn’t be a major deal, but for me it’s like the end of the world.
People always use that “there are children starving in Africa!” thing to trivialize people’s problems, but the fact of the matter is that these things matter. If not to someone else, then at least to you.
A wonderful response Kitten. It seems harder to get help when a problem or pain and suffering is invisible to the outside world.