I’ve been wishing I’d die in my sleep pretty much every night before I fall asleep, lately. There’s something comforting in the thought that I might just fall asleep and cease to exist. Unfortunately, I keep waking up. Then I have to figure out what to do with myself until I can be unconscious again. I hate this repetitive stupidity of living in the situation I’m in. I am so full of hatred for the way “civilisation” functions, I don’t even know what to do with myself or what to bother with. I can see that some people or things are “good”, but they seem futile and dwarfed by all of the “bad” tendencies that people indulge in. I feel like a self-indulgent twit, too, a little. But on the other hand, I have absolutely no power to fix or change anything, so how guilty can I be? I seriously wish I’d just have a sudden, massive aneurysm and drop dead.
Sorry, this probably helped you…not at all. I am likely a lot older than you, and have been through these cycles of misery many times. If I had health insurance, I might actually be looking for some help to crawl out of this. So there’s a helpful clue for you. Perhaps you can find someone to help? When I was in therapy, I felt much more empowered, and actually did stuff. Once upon a time, when I was much younger, I took an antidepressant for a short time. It seemed to interfere with my short-term memory somewhat, but I was much more hopeful and motivated, so meds might help, too. Just a couple of thoughts in case you want to try to do something.