Whenever I can’t sleep at night I often start thinking that I’m gonna die in my sleep. I start thinking that I won’t wake up in the morning and a dark yet familiar feeling takes over me and in a few minutes, I fall asleep. So in other words, the thought of me dying is what helps me sleep. That’s how I get through most nights, hoping to die. It’s sad to think that way but it’s what I hope for and I feel bad for everyone else that wants to die in their sleep, hoping to not wake up the next morning. It’s sad because I know the feeling and I don’t wish it on anyone else but myself.
Although I decided to attend a community college, a part of me still wants to attend a university in some other state. I kind of want to just start fresh in another place. But I know I couldn’t make it on my own. I wouldn’t know anyone and I wouldn’t even have a job. I can’t drive yet either. Those are the things holding me down to this empty place.
It’s so hard for me to wish my aunt and uncle a Happy Father’s Day or Happy Mother’s Day for the simple reason that although they’ve been my legal guardians for years, I can’t actually see them as my parents. My mom died and I don’t know my dad’s whereabouts. It’s not fair to think this way but I can’t help it. I know they’ve done so much for me and I should be grateful but I just get so many conflicting feelings. I can’t understand why I’m like this and I just hate it.
My graduation is in less than 24 hours. And here I am, praying that I die tomorrow; that I never make it to the ceremony. Can I really just die? Please? I think I’m ready.
Yeah Ever since I watched 13 Reasons Why, thoughts of death have crossed my mind. I started wondering why I couldn’t be as brave as Hannah Baker; why I didn’t have the courage to end it all. I then started thinking about my coworkers. I started working at a restaurant four weeks ago and ever since I watched the show I’ve been thinking about how they would react to my death. I always make them laugh and tell them things customers say so I can get a reaction out of them. I wonder if they’ll miss my laugh, my voice. The cooks, will they regret not have gotten close to me when they had the chance? Will they regret all the moments they got annoyed with me? Will they hear someone yell an order and think of me? Will they see someone clean the salad bar and think of me? What about the sushi chef? Will he wish he had been friendlier to me? What about my manager? Will she laugh again like she does with me? Will she be able to hear the same jokes I once told her? Will they all miss me? I’m just a newbie after all.
I feel kind of sad that now that I’ve started working, at the end of each shift I don’t have anyone to tell how my day was. Everyone has either gone to sleep or is busy with schoolwork. I want to tell my family the funny moments of my shift and hear them laugh with me but now I guess I can only laugh with myself.
Friends say I’ve changed.
That they miss the old me.
I don’t know when I changed,
And I don’t know how to fix myself either.
I’ve been pushing people away lately.
It just feels right.
I want to detach myself from others;
I guess I’m just tired of my facade.
I wake up.
I wake up but something is off.
Although my body for some strange reason feels light, my heart feels heavy.
It feels as if there are a thousand cement blocks on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe.
I get out of bed and manage to walk over to the light switch by the door without tripping.
The light flickers on and I stare at my reflection in the mirror that hangs from my bedroom door.
I don’t seem any different.
I shift my weight from one foot to another and that’s when something catches my eyes.
I stare at it through the mirror. As I realize what it is, I sense fear creeping in.
I slowly turn around and realize that what had been in the reflection was actually real.
There on my bed lies a body.
My eyes get watery as I walk over to it.
It finally hits me; why my body felt as if it was floating when I woke up.
After all, it had worked.
I had indeed gone through with it.
It wasn’t another failed attempt.
I, for real this time, had managed to commit suicide.
I hate myself so much. I hate the fact that I’m getting better; I wish I could go back to how I used to be. I used to be so dark inside and although I had a few friends, I hated coming out of my room and I shut everyone out. I was so content with myself and I miss that feeling. I miss shutting everyone out and being me.
I hate the way I look because I know I can look good but when I look in the mirror, I see the flaws no one else sees and when I think I look good, I remember I can’t look like her. Her. She is the is the pretty girl I see at school. The one that has a great body. The one that can get my crush to like her instantly. She is the opposite of me and I wish I was her.
I want to be who I used to be and everything started changing a year ago. A year ago I was my usual self but I started listening to kpop. That is the barrier preventing me to go back to the old me. It means so much to me so I don’t want to give it up but it’s blocking my comfort zone and pushing me towards people.
I’m 16 and diabetic. I want to stop eating but my depression makes me eat more than I should. I want to know what it’s like to be skinny and liked. I want to starve myself but I somehow can’t. I desperately want to lose weight but how can I. I hate how I look.
(Today) I realized that I’m an ungrateful child.
It’s because since my mom died, I started wanting more than what I already have. It’s because I envy other kids that have both parents and siblings; it’s wanting a nicer house, nicer things. I just don’t want to be me as I hate myself. I just don’t want what I have, and I thought I was grateful for what has been given to me, but it’s not like that.
I don’t want to live with my aunt and uncle; I want real parents too. I want brothers and sisters. I want a nicer phone; I want to be accepted. I want to have a normal family and that was taken away from me.
I’m so tired.
My best friend is moving Friday and the guy I have feelings for might be in jail.
I’m only a junior in high school yet so much bullshit surrounds me.
It’s so hard on me. It really is. I don’t even know how to feel. It’s like everything is a lie.
The guy I mentioned on my last post has been the cause of my problems. It’s all because I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
Monday night I was feeling so down about my mom and him and just everything (Tuesday was my mom’s death anniversary) and so I texted him. I said “My mom died 7 years ago. You would understand right?”
His exact words were “Ugh I’m sorry I’m not trying to be mean but can you please stop texting me”.
The only reason why I texted him is because his mom died too.
Or at least that’s what I was told. I say this because someone told me him mom didn’t die. I’ve prayed that he didn’t lie about that at least. I told this to a friend of mine and he said that he doesn’t think he lied about that. He said he’s heard him say it on the bus.
It’s just there are some pretty memories..
I don’t know what to do.
I’m so annoyed at myself. I hate myself so much because of this. I have put up with his bullshit for like a month. I’m tired of this yet I want to give him another chance.
Silly me right?
I feel sad.
These last 4 days (counting today) have been so tiring. I’ve been so emotionally drained it’s ridiculous.
And it’s all because of a guy.
A guy that doesn’t even know my name.
And the worst is, I don’t even think he wants to know.
I know his; I know what grade he’s in; what lunch rotations he has, yet he knows nothing about me.
What I’m questioning is why I can’t seem to let it all go.
I want to let it go but it feels like as if there’s nothing I’m holding on to.
I like him. I do. But he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t know how to explain him. He’s like someone kind of carefree in a way; he’s so outgoing and social and he can literally talk to anybody. He’s like a clown, like a goofball I guess. He’s just social and everyone likes him, you could say.
He’s cute, I admit. My friend says he’s narcissistic and I guess I believe her.
So, for a while I thought he was really cute to the point he became kind of like a side crush (I have feelings for someone else too..) and I wanted to know his last name so since my friend rides his bus, she said she would ask him. She couldn’t ride the bus that day so she asked her brother to ask him and after he said it was ‘Williams’, he told my friend’s brother to tell my friend to tell ‘her friend’ “she’s fine”. The friend he was referring to happened to be me; he said that because he thought my friend was asking for a friend which is true. Then he gave his number to my friend’s brother so she could give it to me. It’s all crazy and that made me feel so bad because he doesn’t know me and I’m so not pretty and I didn’t want to disappoint or anything. It hurt that it would be like this.
Then, I had asked my friend to ask for his Instagram and she said she would ask so Tuesday she skipped into his lunch and asked him for it; he said he doesn’t remember but he then gave her his Kik. My friend then gave it to me and I was feeling excited and nervous and scared all at once. So then I texted him on there saying it was my friend texting from my phone which in a way it was true. An hour passed and my friend started blowing up his phone and cursing him out. He didn’t read any of it until I got on the bus and when I got off was when he replied. He said “wanna fuck” and it was like my heart dropped and I was shocked. I waited some time to reply and since then it’s been crazy. Like, he doesn’t read the messages instantly and when he does read them, he takes forever to reply. Most of the times though, he doesn’t reply at all.
And that’s what upsets me.
Because every important guy in my life never replies.
And it breaks my heart because it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of a reply. Like I don’t matter. I know I’m annoying but that’s not the way to show it.
I know I’m not pretty and it kills because I think that’s the reason behind every time a guy leaves me on ‘read‘.
The worst part is, I’m he sure likes my friend. I keep telling her but she keeps saying he doesn’t, and although I want to believe her, deep down I know he does.
And that makes it even worse..
And I can’t help but to cry at all of this. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. It has been so hard on me and I can’t help but to feel stupid. For a second I had hoped we would become friends but look at where we are now. We’re not even acquaintances. He knows nothing about me. He hasn’t even bothered asking. He doesn’t care and for some reason, I care too much.
I hoped everything would be okay and we would be friends and we could hang out but everything just came crashing down. I realized I had hoped too much too soon..
And that hurts.
*I apologize for this drama overload; I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s so hard and I wish I could just sleep for the rest of my life and never see or talk to anyone again.*
I need someone to talk to..
On Wednesday it was Challenge Day.
I had turned in a permission slip so I was called down to the gym.
When I walked in I was terrified. I only knew one person in there and she had her own friends so it was like I was alone. Everyone sat in this big circle in the middle of the gym. I thought we would have to talk in front of everyone. I cringed every time they said we would play a game.
As time passed, (I was still scared but not as much) we were told to get in our assigned groups. In the beginning of that activity, they asked us to close our eyes and to see deep inside us. They asked who we were; what we’re made of. I tried to keep the tears in because right there, as I looked inside me, I saw darkness; emptiness; nothing. I saw nothing inside of me. No dreams. No hopes. Only emptiness.
We opened our eyes and we were asked to share something about ourselves. I was the second person to go. I shared what I went through and even though I said those words, there was still a weight on my chest. But even when I spoke, I didn’t cry.
Later on, we did ‘cross the line’. I crossed so many times. It was hard but I still did it. Towards the end I couldn’t hold it in anymore but regardless, I still tried to keep the tears in. My chest was so clogged up and it hurt; it burned. It’s the fact that even at that moment I was still trying to be strong.
At that moment I realized, I want to live.
Leaving is never easy.
It is rather hard.
And even though it may seem dreamy,
It can only make you scarred.
I’ll be missing me,
Even if no one else does.
Because exactly like at sea,
The wind blows just because.
It is sad,
Knowing I’ll be gone.
That’s why I must stay,
And live on.
I must endure the pain.
The journey is long,
But I think I can cut thorough the chains
Because to leave without a goodbye is wrong.
Not a goodbye to them,
But to me.
I deserve better
And to be free.
So my birthday is January 6th and my cousin’s is the 10th. Honestly I feel like my birthday isn’t even important. Like I don’t matter. My aunt always talks about his birthday and since his is after mine, we usually celebrate them on his. Also, we’ve been staying at a hotel since yesterday and the room # is 110. She was so happy and was like “ooh” and said that they should play those numbers (for the lotto). He’s spoiled. He gets whatever he wants. For Christmas he asked for an Apple PC and those are a thousand and something dollars but guess what? He got it. It’s his Christmas and birthday present. I can’t even..
I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go far away. Can I just die? There’s nothing to live for. I have people all around me but they’re not a good enough reason to make me want to stay alive. It doesn’t matter if I die right now. It would just save me the trouble since I don’t have plans for my future. The person I love the most is gone and there’s no reason to live without her. I’m thankful for the people around me since others have had it worse, but this is not what I want.
I guess I could say I’m in love with this guy and he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t even look my way and since last year I’ve liked him. This just makes it worse. I want to self-harm but I promised not to and everything is so hard on me right now.
I feel so lost and depressed. Not even music can save me right now.
When did I become like this?
I keep asking God to take me because I can’t deal with it. I don’t have anything planned for my future because I don’t want one.
I can’t anymore. I just wish I had a normal life. For a while I had been okay. I laughed and smiled a lot. I goofed around and had some fun.
Now I’m right back to where I started.
It’s hard to stay alive when you have nothing to live for. When the person you loved the most left and now you have no one by your side. You want to have a chance but you’re scared it won’t work. You’re scared to let go and that’s when you start to build walls around you; to protect yourself from others. You can never be the same again and it’s hard. Hard knowing that the person you were back then won’t come back.
Am I okay? I don’t know. I feel lost and alone. I have people who love me but they could never understand what I’m going through because they didn’t lose their everything when they were young. They have their parents and siblings. I have relatives and friends, and although they may love me, it’s not what I crave for.
I want to be a normal kid. I want a mom and a dad. I want a brother. I want a home. I want to live with my parents and siblings in a home and I want to have a normal life.
I don’t say but it hurts. It hurts to have no one to call mom or dad. I don’t even know who my real dad is and I didn’t spend much time with my mom. I was always the strong one and because of that, everyone expects so much from me. I now have to fulfill that role because I don’t want to see disappointment in everyone’s face.
Sometimes, I want to be the most horrible monster I can be but I don’t know what I’m capable of. I can be the meanest person yet I’m always nice, even when I’m dying inside. I’m messed up badly. I want to scream sometimes. I want to let it all out but if I let go, I won’t have anything else left. I’m already broken enough and I don’t think I can ever go back to who I was.
I was a better person back then. I would smile more often and I would be more confident in myself but all that fell apart when I noticed that everything is a lie. I was the one who didn’t care what anyone thought and I always tried my best but look where that got me; I’m no one now.
People always compare me to my mom. They always talk about how she was so smart and nice and social and it’s like slapping me and telling me I’m not like her. And honestly, I’m not. I can’t be like her no matter how hard I try. I’m the exact opposite. The one that can sit in a dark room all day listening to music and not care about anything else.
I’m that different. And honestly, it doesn’t bother me anymore because I tried my hardest always and now I can’t say I care anymore because I don’t.
*From left to right; Xiumin (EXO-M), Luhan (EXO-M), Kris (EXO-M), Suho (EXO-K), Lay (EXO-M), Baekhyun (EXO-K), Chen (EXO-M), Chanyeol (EXO-K & my 2nd bias), D.O. (EXO-K & my 3rd bias), Tao (EXO-M & my bias), Kai (EXO-K) and Sehun (EXO-K & maknae)
*Luhan and Kris left the group last year (2014).
*EXO-K promotes in Korea, while EXO-M promotes in China.
My life has gotten better. I’m not sure if I’m still depressed but I can say I’ve been pretty happy these past few weeks. I’m not gonna lie, though. Too often I find myself thinking about death. I start thinking about how cool it would be to die in my sleep and I can just imagine someone trying to wake me up. And for once, I won’t wake up.
Depression leaves a lot of scars, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes, I stare at my reflection in the mirror and I just start judging all my imperfections and my curves and every little detail about me.
And even though I still do that, I’m not as broken as I was before. I found a group of people that changed my life for the better and helped me put the pieces together.
And this is how I found them:
I started watching a drama about a month ago and it had a boy band in it and ever since I saw them in that show, I fell in love with them. That probably sounds like I’m exaggerating but I’m not.
As soon as I finished the show, I started looking them up and looking up their songs. I started to know more about them. I started to feel their songs. The more I knew about them, the more my feelings grew.
As soon as I started knowing about them, I started having this feeling like we were friends. Like I actually knew them. At night I would be sitting on my bed and I would just stare at the wall and feel excitement because I “knew” them. Because I made “new friends”.
They seem so fucking perfect to me I swear. Every little detail about them is amazing. I didn’t fall in love with them just because of their looks and skills, but also because of their personalities.
They started meaning the world to me. They changed my life for the better.
I always thought fan girls were silly and crazy to be so obsessed about a boy band or celebrity. I always said to myself, “I will never be like that.” And yet here I am.
These guys, they are so fucking perfect. So beautiful and just….amazing. Sometimes I find myself crying to their songs. I never knew what it was like to cry like that because of a song sung beautifully. But it’s not just a song. It’s a beautiful succession of sounds followed by hard work, feelings, and dedication.
I cannot even explain why I feel the way I feel towards them. My feelings are just unexplainable. They are so fucking perfect. They are fucking amazing and so beautiful and so talented.
A lot of times, I find myself listening to their songs and crying about them.
I cry whenever I hear one of them got injured or got sick. I cry when I see people talking crap about and making up rumors like they have nothing better to do.
I worry a lot about them. I want them to be happy.
Actually, I’m really worried right now about 2 of the members. One recently got injured from falling off the stage. The second one (my bias; in Kpop bias means the opposite, which means favorite) has had a lot of injuries the past few months and has been sick and he’s getting rehab for his injuries in L.A. and there are many, many rumors saying he will leave the group.
I want to believe in him sooo much but the signs are so clear.