sobriety’s a bore, sanity’s its whore

I decided this morning to sober up after 2 years of living in a perpetual fog. The main reason is because I’m still so high functioning, maintaining a steady job and paying bills, and I’m tired of being so sluggish. I wish I could just cut back but I’ve got an addictive personality (i’m still trying to kick my candy and chocolate habits). Other than the responsibilities of my human life though, I have no reason to be sober.

I can clean myself up, do a bit of therapy and get back to where I was before I let my depression take over. I’ll still have no interest in human life though. These cycles we live in, birth/school/work/death, love/marriage/babies/family; I’m either not interested or can’t do it because I’m limited in one way or another, so I have to find reasons to not be interested or else I’ll want what I can’t have.

I’m not made for human life and yet I persist, simply because I’m good at it. Others that can’t do for themselves can benefit from the sweat off my brow so maybe that should be enough for me. My doctors office called me this morning because they need to discuss the results of my recent physical and I imagined how nice it would be if I had some sort of cancer. I don’t feel I have a good enough reason to kill myself so terminal illness would suffice.

It really is the best way for someone like me, so self involved and narcissistic, to die. Nobody can say bad things about you cause you’re sick, all that sympathy would be so soothing. It’d be like attending your own funeral, but the feeling would last until you go in the grave.

You go out a warrior! Battle the illness bravely until you can’t anymore, you’re remembered as a war hero! The best kind of death for the depressed I think.. terminal illness that comes and and takes you as quick as a tornado.

fudge, I was so psyched to go home and throw away all of my illicit tools but as the day drags and everything starts coming back into focus, ugh, it’s all so ugly; I’m so disgusted with my perception of the world. ugh