It’s 3am, and I’m lying awake again. I want to go to sleep. I want to just let go. But I can’t. My mind knows that nothing is ok. There is nothing that can comfort me. There is nothing I can do to make things ok. I have to just live with that. Or not. And that’s fine, during the day time.
But at night, I need comfort. I need to feel that there’s some way that things will be ok. I need some story to tell all my worries and anxieties, to quiet them down for a few hours. But nothing works. I can’t convince myself of any way that things will be ok.
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Had a night like that last night. Had to have a sleeping pill free night. Wasn’t good. Meditation didn’t even work. It’s torture. Be good if the mind could be un-plugged for some respite.
Pretty much every night for the last 10 years has been like that for me. Maybe I should try sleeping pills – but I heard their effect wears off over time?
The ones I take are not supposed to be used every night. 3-5 nights on and then off for couple of days. Not supposed to drink with them either. Did in the past and the next day I was in a fog-filled hell. Docs only dole them out in small doses even though they don’t cause death unless one was frail or had about 100 of them.