How many of these posts have i posted and deleted? Different profiles different locations. I stay the same. In a room alone crying online about being depressed. The one constant is a man that barely exists. Maybe I’m not even here and i myself am imaginary. It sounds insane but when i die even if am stupid enough to keep living there will be no evidence that i was ever alive. Ive never enjoyed anything from life never had my faith or trust in people rewarded. How can it be said my life is really happening? I’m so discardable. I want death. The sweet embrace of non-existence to wash away the memories of a life ravaged in severe mental illness. A person that was loved by no one. A person that should die for the peace.
Why was i born like this? Why have my attempts at both a better life and suicide failed? Why can’t just have a measure of normalcy? Enough to be loved by a woman. Enough to get the job i deserve. To live out dreams. But ive given my life decades and failed. I was young but I’m not anymore. I gave life more than enough time but it hasn’t changed i haven’t changed. I can’t make up for the lost time. I can’t stop more time from being lost. I hope i have a heart attack. I hope i choke and die. I hope some unforseen health issue could kill me i wouldn’t have to ve reminded of my past failures. I wouldn’t have to add to the continued failure of a narrative that is my life
8 comments
Hey. Last I remember hearing from you, you were planning on getting a gun, but (I think) your sister needed the money? How is your family? Or is that a question better left unasked?
What is stopping you from going in a direction, whether it’s chasing your dreams or ending it all?
I didnt get the gun. Thanks for asking and remembering me. Family is ok. I came to a realization yesterday while leaving the gym. As bad as ive wanted to die my entire life now included i want to actually live worse. Dont misunderstand me what i am doing now is NOT living merely existing. I went to a coding bootcamp and it just ended. Im praying i can get a good programming job eventually plus i genuinely like doing it. If i can maybe i can carve out a life an actual life.
God damn…look at you! 🙂 Language-specific? My knowledge of tech is *really* outdated. Ten years is a lifetime. More power to you if you enjoy if; I never did.
There is a demand…go for it!
I learned Ruby on Rails but i believe i have enough knowledge to at least create projects and products of my own. Idk about getting hired though.
Awesome. Ruby really appeals to me, I remember vititing their website back when I did a little coding.
P.S. If you want to make the real big bucks, Coursera just launched a deep learning specialization:
coursera.org/learn/neural-networks-deep-learning
Hmm im not quite there yet but it is promising that AI is written in Python. It is another well written and readable language i have some experience with. I’ll definitely give it a whirl once i have a programming job
Cool. If you’re looking for more diy training, Sitepoint has some good resources. I think many of them are reasonable. It’s been awhile.