Since my last post, a lot has gone through my mind and a lot has happened.
The money I had saved up for my future with my ex, I have now donated to charity. Im only 20 and for the one I loved, the one who destroyed me and left me. I saved up 62k (the reason I add a number is because I did this for her at such a young age), which is now with charity, I feel both happy and sad when I did this. It was for her, but as Im no longer going to be here soon, I want to do some good before I go.
I don’t really know how I feel anymore, Im just waiting for the things to arrive that will assist me in my suicide, I hope to go nice and quietly. No more pain, no more bullshit, no more lies. I know God will punish me, but I know if there is a God he will understand that Im not selfish, I just can’t do with life anymore. Yes I failed the test, but should I go and put a brave face and act happy? Do I deserve that.
Im 20 years old. I owe my life to my ex, the things I did and established for her and for us, most can’t achieve. And I don’t mean that in a big headed way, I mean it went from nothing to having it all, only because of her.
Im scared, I hope I don’t hurt anyone. Im going to miss everything in life.
8 more days, hopefully I can make some more people smile, help someone out and put on a brave face. I have so much to do, I don’t know if I should write letters, so many decisions let. But one decision remains intact, Im dead inside, its time to die on the outside aswell. Don’t ever want to hurt anyone anymore. Im just a bad person.
Thank you for reading this.
28 comments
Focus more on making yourself smile before you try to make others smile.
Thank you for your advice but I honestly don’t know how.
You can ask others how they find happiness.
Nihilism YES! bros before hoes, but seriously it seems once you give up your money and status the decisions final, if you couldn’t find happiness in life, then try death? thats what i always say
Uhm….you’re 20 Years old and have saved up 62K? If you continue on this route you’ll be a billionaire by 35. Are you looking to adopt?
I’m looking for investors to support my research project. I’m convinced that Aliens were behind today’s power outage in Southern California. I’m convinced of this! I need capital to continue my furthered investigation into the matter. Your 62k is a good start, but not quite enough. Please send me everything you have, (and will continue to earn), so we can get to the bottom of this. Life is short, learning is eternal. Love, yeah that’s nice and all….but isn’t it better to KNOW whats REALLY going on? I can help you figure it out with your donation.
God doesn’t hate you. In fact, He loves you. He told me so. He’ll love you even more after you’ve sent me a tax deductible contribution. You don’t have to die….there’s a better way. Send me your money. 🙂
Yeah seriously man, 62k at 20? Damn! I know money isn’t everything though, I’m 18 and I’ve got about 15k, way more than any of my friends. Yet I’m still the one spending multiple hours a day on a site for suicidal people…
Think about what your $62000 is going to do for the charity you donated it to. That’s an extremely large sum of money. You made the a massive positive difference in the lives of a ton of people. Think about that. You just undeniably made the world a better place. You did that. You. So why should you kill yourself? You can continue to better the world, and I believe that it can bring you happiness. Not just by donating money, but by saving all that up you proved you’re capable of getting things done when you set your mind to it. You’re a good person, don’t leave this world, because when you do, it will be a worse place for everyone else left behind.
You’re only 20… you really don’t think you will fall in love again?
You made her your priority…. you canot EVER make a person your everything!!!! but I geuss that’s life… somehow you love that person with every broken piece of your heart rite?? I don’t get life… honestly… maybe it really is pointless…
LOLfailz – Hopefully thats what Im going to do soon, I just hope it goes right. Thank you for your comment, wish me luck.
Lucy4 – Just knowing you have a computer, and internet tells me your richer then two thirds of the world, why not end research and end poverty first, sometime I think the world and its priorities are messed up.
1629 – Your comment really touched me, it means a lot when someone can either relate or is either offering helpful advice. Im from the Uk btw so the money I donated was in GBP. And Im so glad I did that, I want to help people as much as I can before I live this world. I also want to say your a good person and only 18. Theres a lot more in life for you my friend, I have lived life, and gone through so much, but I think this is one struggle in life I cannot hide anymore. Its too hard, when you give everything to something, and in the end you literally are left out in the cold by yourself. All efforts wasted. Thank you, your comment means a lot!
One_day – I know Im only 20 but what I feel, I just can’t deny or change, and I can love again, and if I did I know it would be a lie, I would never love that person the way I did for my first and last girlfriend.
-Razor- – I don’t even know what to say, I don’t even know if I have a broken heart, Im just walking dead, acting happy, but all I really want, if there is a God, is to take my life. I don’t think life is pointless but there is so much you can take.
Thank you guys for the comment.
i understand how you feel, man. my ex girlfriend faked her own suicide and never told me her real name. i had considered suicide a few years ago but i couldnt do it. i now know that there is a god and he loves everyone just the same as me and you. im in a church youth group, and they helped save me from myself; maybe if you find some kind of church group near you they can help you like they helped me.
if you need anything, im right here for you.
-Light
I just can’t live anymore, Im just massively depressed, I hate my life and just want to die. If there is a God, why would God put me through this? Im I such a bad person?
Razor is right, u cannot make one person yr everything. And I’ve been here u r. I found a love that as so perfect I didn’t think I would ever find it again. But I did. 20 is way too young to quit looking for love. Have u travelled? Have u even explored accross the continent? So many people deeply worthy of love and looking for it…
I know Im young but when you hold your hand out and it is rejected, what can you do? I think Im going to do it sooner. I don’t want to live. Its not about finding love for me anymore, I can’t love two people. I loved her and gave her everything. Yes I have travelled, I may be 20, but I have been to so many places because of what I wanted to do for her. Its cool anyway, I give up and God will punish me for doing so.
Your not a bad person. I work with bad people, people who literally are prolly goin to hell. i don’t mean to be cruel but it is what it is. shit, i’m prolly goin wit them. you on the other hand gave money to charity, not jus to make yourself feel better like alot of people do, but to actually help someone. then you feel this terrible when someone you loved left you. Your not a bad person, hell the world could prolly do wit a couple more people like you.
It is amazing what people can accomplish when they have inspiration isn’t it though?
I know I may be kind here and there but in reality it was for her and us, I only gave it to people who need it more, not because of making me feel good, But if you have a few days left, I believe you should do some good before you go. Thank you for being kind, but I am a bad person, for hurting the person who meant the most to me. I know, she is still my inspiration and even though I would live to live my life because she asked me to. I just can’t do it anymore, when I think of the pain, it is too much.
People think love is this quanitfyable thing, like it somehow runs out because you gave too much to one person. Not true. Love is endless and boundless, and as long as your heart is beating, it will never run out.
You’re not a bad person. I guage people by their actions, not my how they chose to see themselves. That money meant a lot to those charities, but your life could mean a lot more.
I know my life could mean a lot more, but what is the point of a life when the person living that life is dead. I don’t cry anymore, before suicide was an option that I was scared to take, but when I lost everything, it became a reality. The only way out
Thank you for your time and comments, I will ask God, if there is one, to look after the people I love and who showed me care in my last few days. I may be selfish as God gave me life and for me to end it but I hope God will understand that I did this not to cause anymore pain to anyone.
You are incredibly niave if you think your death will not ruin the people who you are leaving behind. They will be crippled by guilt and hurt which will last the rest of their lives. No good will come of this.
Maybe I am naive, but I am not as strong as the ones I love. Im weak and dependent, thats what Iv realised. Maybe no good will come out of this, but its my life, should I really have to live a life like this forever? I hope God is kind enough to just take me away.
Which could cost more lives and more pain… you life means a hell of alot more than you think
I don’t know what it means, but to live a life like this, I don’t think so. I don’t want to live in a world where I have to be lied to anymore.
God’s not that kind… true happiness is by finding God. He can’t forgive, save, or help unless you look for him and ask him yourselves.
I found God in a person. Thats the problem. Im sorry if you think Im wasting your time.
I can completely identify with you and if you’ve the resources, you should go for it..so many people all over the world want to end their misery but don’t have the resources(including me)..Its easier for people to say that you’ll get over her..but a broken heart never heals..the pain always stays with you..may you rest in peace..and if possible..if you find a higher authority up there..tell him to end my suffering too..that m not that bad..will not bother him much and will slave for him.
@hey, I hope it goes to plan. I hope you keep on going, life is a struggle but if you have someone that you can openly talk to about suicide, I think it may help you. I had her and I told her how I felt and look where I am today.
@hey, as if you are the only authority in the world on broken hearts.
Memories fade.
Scars heal.
People grow and learn from their mistakes.
And there is so much more love to go around.
@one day
I am no one to have any authority on anything..I was just expressing my experience…I don’t mean to be rude..but don’t know any better way to say this… this site is for people to express their opinions freely without being judged and if u r goin 2 do the same..then u r going against the spirit of the site
@ac400
I hope I had someone too
@hey – it’s just that your ‘opinions’ are expressed as fact. And dangerous ones at that. That’s why I rebuffed you, and I know I didn’t do it in the most tactful way – for that I’m sorry. You are right, people should be free to express themselves.
@ac400 – I firmly believe that you can’t be helped by someone you are in love with. Too many emotions get in the way, there is too much guilt and it’s a lot of pressure for both of you… There are plenty of people here you can talk to about suicide. You are not alone.