I’m going to do it. I want to do it. But I have to wait a year. Something in this house is stopping me from what should happen. I was born a terrible person, by no fault of my parents. I was born as a horrible human, I hurt everyone around me. If you knew me I am sure you wouldn’t think that. But don’t be deceived I have done horrible things in the past and I am pretty sure I will do some thing horrible in the future. It’s my fault that there’s people in this world who suffer. I don’t want to move forward anymore. Life is pointless. I just don’t know how to write the perfect note to convince everyone that my actions were justified. I have a year to make this plan and I want it to be spot on. I want to convince people that I was truly not a good person. I hurt people, I don’t want sympathy. I don’t want anything anymore. I need to go back to where I belong hell. I need to keep going for a year or maybe not, as long as I am out of this house it’s fine. I know there’s a way with words to help ease the pain, the last pain that I am going to cause. I just don’t know where to start. I don’t want any food I don’t want any water. I just want to die. I need a plan. I had a plan but that one sucked. I need a new one. I have to figure it out. Feel free to tell me how horrible I sound. Please don’t straight up tell me “you deserve to live. Trust me it gets better.” I don’t want that. If you have any hate I know that’s the truth, so thank you for being honest. I hate myself.
-Stel
4 comments
“Not to be born is best, and death is better than life” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Oh I’m reading this and I’ll be 100% honest with you. I can relate myself to what you said. You just wrote what’s in my mind and what I’ve been thinking for as long as i can remember, sometimes I’ve wondered why I’ve never met person like you, i don’t know why but i always wanted. Plan is very important to mee also, and I’ve got the plan but I’m weak to start doing it, you know what’s my plan? To disappear from this society, from everyone i know, to run away from myself, to leave no trace to anyone, to die like nothing as I’ve been nothing. Plan is there but I’m still here hanging and I’m not looking for hope, I’m looking for right time when i can brave to do it. I feel I’m undiscovered, yet I’ve missed many chances and I’ve made countless mistakes.
Why do you need to wait a year?
Because then I’ll be out of my parents house and it’ll be easier to do it. I’ve already tried to do it 3 times so they’re watching me and it sucks.