I may not write something meaningful or deep, maybe just rant to people without viable judgement. From what I have gathered, I’m not the only one who wants to cease to exist. Honestly what’s the point of living sometimes. Aren’t we all gonna die? No one is going to remember us for long. Those 6 seconds of internet fame are fleeting, or family only lives for so long. Why try to matter to a world where you will be forgotten?
I just want to push pause for a few years were all my disappointments and failures are forgotten and I’m not the fuck up daughter my parents consider. Yes, I have people I want to live for, but I want my mistakes to just stop choking me. In every argument with my parents that is what they use to counter me with. My shitty past mistakes that I regret as much as them regretting to have me. Is it okay to feel like this? To know that you aren’t utterly alone, but wanting to not exist and wanting to be alone? To say ‘fuck it, kill me here and now. beat me to death please, I deserve it’?
Why not just swallow pills or cut myself until I bleed out? Will they still hate me? Will me siblings realize they had a bad role model this entire time? Why can’t there me a universal pause button for those that need it? Those people who need to take the time and breath. Those people who need to take their time processing a scenario, who need that time out for an edge.
My boyfriend has severe seasonal depression, is a pan sexual living in a christian house-hold where they call him a wash-up and a ******. I feel he has more of a right for his sadness then I do. Like in comparison my issues feel petty. Hell my problems always feel petty. Why am I me? Why couldn’t I be ‘normal’? Why do I have to feel like shit almost everyday? Why do I like the things my parents hate? Most of the time I push away these thoughts to the point they all surface together, and then it’s too much. Why can’t I just cease to exist? Why do I have to live? Why can’t I just do something right? Why am I me?
4 comments
I completely relate to this. Your idea about a universal pause button is very interesting, like if you could just take a break and have everything stop for a little while, maybe then it wouldn’t be so hard.
Personally, I find the whole ‘one day we’re going to die anyway’ thing a relief. I mean, sure, you can look at it as a reason to not live at all, or it can be the reason why you do. Because if you’re going to die anyway, then all of this, our mistakes, our failures, it doesn’t matter nearly as much as we make it out to. You can just see it as the reason to stick around as long as you can and spend that time trying to find something worth doing, or experiencing. Because one day, it will all be gone, regardless of whenever or not you make it happen sooner. If it WAS permanent, then I’d be killing myself. Does that make any sense?
I hope things work out for you.
Psychologically speaking: Your parents act out of fear. They are ignorant. Like children, they don’t see the damage they cause by saying horrible things to you. They stupidly think that the means justify the reasons. WELL GUESS WHAT? IT DOESN’T.
You have two options:
1. kill yourself.
2. suck it up, fight it, be a winner, don’t let them brake you, and flee away as soon as possible to be an independent individual. (PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF WHEN DOING SO AT 18/20 ETC)
You should watch out from abuser personalities out there! and try to get as much as money as possible. afterwards you will be free from your parents abusive, and will be able to start a long healing process from the damage they have caused. good luck, with love, yours Jac.
Check out Jordan B Peterson on YouTube. He helped me at least understand the meaning of life. He made short video about why everything u do matters. It gave me chills, but anyway. I found his work to be helpful to correct my worldview outlook. Because we aren’t taught how to be oriented correctly in the world these days. So some of us get a very nihilistic view of the world and it just doesn’t help us.
I can really relate to your last paragraph. I feel almost exactly the same. My problems and thoughts feel extremely petty, especially after seeing the suffering of others. I’ve been told to stop comparing myself to others, but that’s a lot easier said than done.
I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to say, but maybe knowing that someone else feels the same could help you feel a little less petty.