Let’s be frank here, guys. I’m incredibly lonely. So goddamn lonely it hurts to breathe sometimes.
I understand that I’m running the risk of sounding dismal here, but the fact of the matter is that’s what I am. I have only one good friend, and sometimes, just having him doesn’t cut it. He can make comments sometimes. They drive deep into me and stick there, infecting my insides with tar. I know he doesn’t mean for them to hurt, but they do. I can’t tell him that they hurt.
Sometimes that tar inside me glues me shut. It closes me up and makes me so heavy with hate for myself that I don’t know what to do with it besides cut it out with a razor blade. That doesn’t always work, and I’ve lost that option in the past few months.
But back to my point, I guess. I think my loneliness is self-inflicted (much like other things). I don’t think I’m a very good friend. I lie too much, I wallow in self pity (isn’t that obvious?), and I don’t try hard enough.
I’m starting to slip back into my old ways. I don’t think I’m worth it anymore. I’ll try for six more months. I’ll try my hardest. If things don’t get better, well, you can find me six feet under.
1 comment
What about family or old friends? I would never rely on just one person-because like you described they could become toxic to you and then what do you do? I’ve had many friends over the years and I realized people are a lot alike. You will eventually find reasons not to like them-usually because they do or say something that is offensive to you.
This is why it’s good to have a mix of people in your life so if someone irritates you, you’ll have others you can hang out with. While I’m not in your situation, I do know what that’s like-to be lonely. I’d suggest if you are able to, join groups, take courses, do things that will help you find/connect with other people.
There are social/dating sites that you can use to make new friendships. I don’t think the friend you have is being a good support to you. He may even resent being your only friend and it’s his subtle way of telling you off.
I used to be a pretty caring person-I was a true friend to others but over time I realized that people like me were rare. Most were users/scumbags who’d talk shit about you behind your back-sometimes they’d start arguments because their true feelings come out. So I learned to be an azzhole and I threw it right back at them, I was quite proud of myself over this change.
Through all of that I cut many people out of my life who were never my true friends and have hung onto a handful of people that are pretty loyal. Nobody is perfect so you have to be able to forgive some character flaws, so long as they’re not trying to undermine you or become abusive.
Also you should have enough self-respect to be able to walk away from people if the situation is irredeemable. If that person is toxic to your life-then you are better off without them, same goes for romantic relationships. Or if you just see them less or use them for companionship until they can be replaced with someone better.
Most of my long-term relationships were made in high school and university so that’s why I’d recommend taking courses. But as mentioned if you want to cut through all that, try social sites-there are other people in a similar situation and looking to make new friends. Good luck.