My boss called me, she wants me back, she says she needs me because all the new people don’t make as much work as I do.
But I don’t need money. I’ll die next week. I panicked and told her I would do it. Of course, I can cancel anytime, but why did I accept? I’ll cancel now.
There’s no other option. I have to die. All of my failsafes are gone now. If they find out what I did they’ll keep me alive, but will torture me until I cannot longer think or speak. They’ll not allow me to kill myself, they’ll tie me up and watch my actions 24/7. They’ll force me to do horrible things.
I don’t really want to die, but there’s no other option. A life with constant torture is not worth living.
I can’t stop crying.
9 comments
Who is ‘they’?
My parents
DONT GO BACK THEY WILL DO ALL THOSE THINGS
KILL YOURSELF WHILE YOU CAN
They won’t do those things to me at work, I don’t wanna go back to work because whenever I start to work again I get ideas filled with hope like “oh, maybe if I work and save enough I’ll be able to get away from my parents this time” but I know better, it’s impossible.
So yeah, I’ll do it. Thanks dude!
Exactly. That is exactly my life.
But then you realize it’s not just your parents and that their are city folk that don’t even know you that will torture you as bad as your parents.
Then you realize there is no good in the world except maybe your boss but then you realize even if you could get away from your parents (which is about 5 years overdue) it’s too overdue to even make a difference and they’ve already given you enough grief and misery to make the rest of your life miserable/not worth living even if you were to live 20 more years. Like you could never be happy again.
But from a personal experience standpoint, I had the gun in my car I just had to drive to the place and shoot myself no fail possible
What stopped me
1. I had a rental car.
2. I did not know who would come collect the car when I killed myself because I could not tell them where it was before I killed myself lest they get their before I’m completely dead.
So I
1) kept the gun in the rental truck
2) stayed out all night until morning
3) went to the car dealer to change for my car
4) cops showed up (I didn’t understand why and I was terrified they would look in my truck – fuckfaxe mcgee just says that the owner of the shop where I was parked – one building down from where I was just in to collect my car – called to have me harassed)
5) got my car back (mom had to come to pay she wouldn’t stop harassing me I finally got her to leave me alone- I think she wanted to drive rental to rental shop to return rental next -I said I’ll meet you but I have to go get something to eat real quick)
6) pulled rental into a neighborhood and parked
7) walked back to car shop and take my real car to the neighborhood (car place was called COPE by the way – like the words those nasty fuckers use at the mental hospital – 100 ways to cope yada yada kill me now) pull the car up directly to the left of the parked.
8)really secretly so no one can see put the shotgun from the rental into the trunk of my car.
9) I drive rental and meet her at rental shop.
10) Return rental
11) Get ride back to neighborhood with my car
12) get in my car decide I will go home take a nap and then go back out and drive off about 40 miles and shoot myself like I had always planned
13) Wake up to my fat fuck sibling screaming at me and I run to bathroom like I always do because I’ve hated these monsters since I was 6 or 7 years old
14) He starts screaming at me through the wall that I’m on meth or testosterone (young woman here) after he had already stalked me and done this previously a year ago where he tells my friend – “she’ll probably take your parents gun and shoot herself” she agrees but I would never take anyone else’s property in my life and don’t know why they are so fucking nasty
15) I find out cops are coming I debate whether to jump out my window on the second floor and make a run for it
15) Hideous cops coming into my room. Tell me to face wall ask me what I do. I say I try to help others. They take me downstairs and I tell them I’ve been abused my entire life.
16) We get into their car and it smells like rotten eggs. Like they were sitting in their own shit.
17) Cry my eyes out the entire ride to the ER (I had been to the mental hospital 2x already and they had me gain 70 pounds and ruin my life to the core – an unconsented shot of the nastiest medication in the world – for an ailment I do not have – every other day)
18) stay overnight in ER next day tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum take me to a new hospital in the disgusting crack whore part of my county
19) Get there they try to room me with a chick that looks like the devil. Rocking back and forth glaring at the door. I ask to room alone.
20) They do absolutely nothing there except sit at desk and we draw a picture once.
Things they said while I was there
•(While I was just waking up from sleep) Let me go get the he-she
•(When I had gotten a nysterious wart, rash and bug bite and I ask if my room can be cleaned better) She is delusional
• ;When I was talking to my mom on the phone) •stop using swear words you can’t call your mom the entire time you are here again – they were the most disgusting men and there was no one sane there that I trusted to talk to so I couldn’t talk to anyone for the rest of my stay. Then they gave me a shot of HAB – haldol ativan benedryl (I passed out) They give me about 7 HABS my entire stay
•Then when they prescribed me ambien I took one and a new man was just put in the unit he was senile and 73. I wake up after being drugged asleep and realize I was just raped. And there was a child molester fuck who worked there very hideous screaming at me when he first saw me that he was going to forcefully sedate me for talking to the friend I had made in the unit. I thought it was him. He was the last one I saw in my room before I felt it.
•The doctor comes in with bloodshot eyes and tells the entire room I am getting an birth control shot. Like there is no such thing as patient doctor confidentiality.
•No one tells me when I can go home and I am trapped there for 28 days. No one says anything else to me. I slam my head against the wall one night and I twist my neck and break it. Thinking I can’t stay here anymore and I have to die. My neck is still broken to this day.
•They threaten me every day that they will take me to state hospital
21) my whole body goes numb while I am there and I leave and get home and I can’t feel any one of my limbs
22) I go home to dopey and mopey and the psychotic/ pedophilic bunch
23) I try to get my gun back because it was the only money I had about 400$ and they won’t give it to me just to resell without a bill of sale although I paid for it . It was the only money I had had for the past 5 years.
24) I live in my car for the next year as I had already been the previous 4 years except to sleep at dopey and mopeys house. Then I wake up and leave.
25) I was 150 pounds in 2015 early. By mid-2016 I was 220 pounds.
26) I go on vacation and when I get back I am arrested and taken to jail for buying a pocket knife at Walmart because the ladies demonize my character and say I said I was going to stab someone when I never said that.
27) I get to jail and they call me a man shove me into the linoleum floor so I can’t breathe (say she will kick me if I don’t slam her chest into floor -I was never kicking to begin with) and undress me and give me a tiny blanket. I wake up 6 hours later try to ask someone what time it is and what they are doing with me and that I am freezing. No one answers me so I slam my head against the cement wall until I pass out for 6 more hours.
28) I go home then am raped some more in my nightmares. I have an especially bad one by some leechy characters and think this must be what is really gone on in real life. I overdose on the pills I would never take. I don’t take enough to die or even have injury but the stupid fuckers force me to go hospital and get liquids poured into my veins.
29) I come home fine but my whole body feels like it is on fire the next 2 days. Every time I wake up my internal temperature is about 140 degrees.
30) I find a heroin needle under my mom’s dresser still believing falsely that cops are good people and call cops. She tells cops I am on psych meds (I am not and don’t take them nor need them) and says I am ful of shit. Wait that was before the overdose. I thought they’d take me to a safe home maybe, the cops. No they just leave and let her continue using. (I was convinced she was a frequent user if she had it right next to her bed where she sleeps at night)
31) She starts screaming at me and her eyes look like she is high as she is screaming. I run away and ask her to find me a homeless shelter. Instead she sends another tweedle-dee tweedle-dum over to take me to mental hospital again. Where I proceed to slam my head against my hands when they won’t let me leave and start getting sleep paralysis.
32) I come home and start getting frequent nightmares where nasty men are having sex with my sleeping body – my 2017 New Years resolution was never look at another man in my life.
33) I’m threatened regularly that they will send me back to mental hospital.
34) I have never been mental in my life. The people that run the place are more psychotic than I.
Yeah, so I had in front of me every thing I had ever wanted since 12 but instead I get all of that. Because some nasty faggots couldn’t just leave me the fuck alone. I hope they choke and die.
To add to that another reason I overdosed is because I got 2 DUIs while I was not even driving nor was I too drunk to drive. I have had to pee in a cup every week and the first time I meet my po she calls me autistic. I’m like what the fuck I have never been autistic in my life. Thy charge me 4500$ that I do not have. I was not driving. I have to stay home and that is why I have the nightmares. I have though walked 1000 miles in the last year. Before my DUI the friend I was hanging out with at the time punched me as hard as she could in the face and she did it again when I paid to visit her after my DUI and overdose as well. Says she is going to calll cops on me so I think she is potentially the one that got me the DUI in the first place. I have no income last 4 years and I get grief every day for not being able to afford my own food and hygiene products. Although I had applied to 300+ jobs before I had DUI. I was on food stamps for three months but they cancelled those because I could not drive to volunteer 20 hours a week. And when I did try to volunteer they demonized me and shoved me to sweep up dirt while I was in the middle of something. The only place I have went in the last 13 months is to the place I pee in cup and to my probation office.
That is just my half of my story. In the meantime. I was hoping to be dead by January but like you had the hope I could get my license back when it is legally available. I have picked up a small gig to try to pay for the expenses to get my license reinstated and new battery for car. I believe it is legally available November 16. I used to love driving and stuff but now I probably won’t. The other day some weird fucker got the cops on me again. And I realize they just use me as bait. I hoped to leave town in car 4 years ago and live in car while traveling across states but guess who wouldn’t let me? I picked up an illness last year after my overdose and have been sick as fuck since. But in the meantime. I have collected 150% MLD of the pills I would never take that have been prescribed me. Started trying to figure out how to build a pipe gun (in place of the real gun they would never let me have) I have the bullets and the pipes but I cannot get the thing to fire. I am working on the firing pin which is the difficult part) I have also collected a gas tank lest I choose the route of lighting myself on fire. Before my DUI I was talking with the college around here about getting my CDL that I have aimed for since 18 years old. Then I get DUI and can’t do that for what 5 years? That was my career choice. And I wanted to be a delivery driver while saving up before I could drive trucks.
I hope you can find some option where you can really get away from them. I know it hasn’t worked in the past, but still.
Good luck.
Thank you, and I’m really sorry but I gave up. I’m really really sorry I would like to tell you that I’ll try to find a way out but I’m so tired, I don’t wanna try anymore.