When I look at pictures of us, I don’t even recognize the face I see there anymore. Was that really me once? He seems content, at peace, happy even. He smiles, genuinely. He is okay with how things are, good and bad. He is okay with how he is, he knows what he’s worth, and knows his place in this world.
Seeing myself like that is weird. It feels so unimaginable, there’s just no way I was that person once. Seems way more likely someone photoshopped those pictures. I am as far away from whoever he is both in the past and in the future as I have ever been.
I am not who he is. I don’t smile anymore, not genuinely. I fake it sometimes, because I don’t want to look like an emotionless wreck, but it’s not really what I am feeling at that moment. I am not happy or even okay with who I am, because everything about me is wrong, is not how it should be. I don’t have any worth, I am mostly just baggage, for myself, and for my family. I am never truly at peace, because almost always there’s something on my mind that scares me, that gives me anxiety, that makes me hate myself and this world, and the only time that’s not the case is when I manage to distract myself temporarily. Fake peace.
I would rather be dead. He wouldn’t.
2 comments
?? I’m sorry i know know how hard it is to try to remember the person you were in the happy times. I’m going through all of these feelings to right now.
I see the photos of the person I was and wish to be but it’s like the memory is so shaded it all feels like a dream somthing that was never real, somthing that’s so painful now
these are End Times, my friend. i don’t know if you’ve noticed, but everything is falling apart. everything. you think you’re the only one less happy now? think again. we’re all suffering. it’s clear that we were not meant to rule ourselves. i don’t mean to be preachy, but i will. seek the truth while you still can.