Hey, good morning.
Today I sat in the Uni’s “shrink” ‘s office. Spoke to him for about 40 minutes of how bad things are going….
I really believed I could have made it, I really wanted to get so better, but it is just didn’t happen.
I find it quite depressing. As for each time I fail, I have to cope with it and go through all of the stages of mourning.
I have let myself down this month, my body helped alot in this crysis to. My abdominal pain is greater, and each day I feel more and more weak – like I’m shutting down.
I talk to myself more and more loud and ofter, almost speaking out loud full conversations. I lost it, my sanity is slowly draining away.
I don’t feel suicidal.. No. I don’t have wishes to day – No.
I don’t feel bad, NO. IM JUST FEELING LIKE IM DYING.
Slowly dying.
The shrink told me “you are going too harsh on yourself”.
Well, I don’t care. I want to succeed. Success isn’t something that owned by lucky people. It is owned through hard work.
I have alot of my back, really. I’m breaking each fucking day. EACH NIGHT. EACH MORNING.
But even tho the burden is so great, I feel greater. Even when I’m breaking, I feel like I’m re – born.
I’m glad I have you guys. It is quite funny ,but knowing I told someone I need help, is really making me feel better.
I ofcours don’t tell my mother about it, or any friends, because I don’t want them to think they need to act any different to me .
I should close this and post it already. stop ranting and start doing.
Wish you all well, be brave , stay strong, yours, Jac.
8 comments
I feel like I’m slowly dying too. I’m dropping weight at an alarming rate. 40 lbs in less than a year. I have no desire to eat. I’m losing my eyesight. My spine is messed up causing much pain. I can’t take pain medication like Motrin because my stomach is a mess. My body is just a shell. But my “thinking self ” needs it. Can’t exist without my body. I feel like someone as a voodoo doll of me and she’s having herself a good old time. But I know they will get theirs. We all do. Nice to meet you!
Wow. May I know why are you breaking down?
I don’t know why. Seems like all I ever do is go to the doctor. I think it’s because I’m sad. I was diagnosed with SLE in my early 20’s. Took hydroxychloroquine to control it and did pretty good. Then it caused retinal toxicity so I stopped it last March. It stays around for two years and continues to damage the eyes. So now I take nothing to control the lupus. And my eyesight is going. I see a new rheumatologist tomorrow for a second opinion. So to answer your question I would guess that my body is attacking itself.
You could probably sue them get like…. a hundred, k
@ clipped-wings @Bisban – A successful lawsuit for the hydroxychloroquine side effect would require that no warning of this side effect was given. I checked and an irreversible retinal damage warning was included in the package insert. Oh gosh, I keep reading story after story of people getting relief from one issue only to be hit with side effects later on.
Unless of course that warning was not provided at the time when the drug was being taken.
a1957 I was well aware of that possibility. Had eyes checked every six months. They now believe it’s not the daily dose but the cumulative dose that is the issue with toxicity. It’s not common but I get side effects from many meds I’ve tried.
Sorry to hear this retinal damage that could happen really is happening. That is one tough break.