I don’t have any other way to describe myself or how I constantly feel. Everything makes me anxious – hell, just joining this site is giving me the shakes and making me feel sick. I’m so tired of my existence and wish I would just die already so I can stop being afraid of everything and feeling like I’m dragging everyone behind.
I’m just terrified of death and everything that comes with it, so even if I don’t kill myself I’m screwed.
My friend jokingly called me a deadbeat today, and that’s exactly what I am. I can’t hold a job and the thought of school makes it hard to breathe. It’s hard to leave the house, hard to eat, hard to do anything. Therapy and pills only work so much.
I’m tired.
15 comments
I’m in the same situation. My anxiety is so extreme I’m finding it hard to even think that I’ll be able to continue living, but I have no concrete plan to commit suicide because of my fears.
I enrolled in online college courses in September and now I’m realizing it wasn’t a good idea because all the anxiety from past experiences at school came back. I thought it’d be different if I did online coursework but I still am struggling. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get a job.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it’s pure torture. I can only hope that one day you’ll be free from your anxiety in life.
I knew I’d never be able to get a job at 15 and that is when I started seriously planning to do suicide instead. And I’m very confident about my decision.
i managed to hold one job for almost two years, but it was an extreme struggle and i dreaded going to work. ever since quitting it’s like i can’t handle any job at all lmao. i just wish there was some end-all, cure-all to my anxiety. i’ve been struggling with it since i was little and it just never seems to end.
i’ve got a promise to go through before i actually start seriously considering suicide, but knowing me i’ll just freak out and end up at the hospital again.
Right? I could work a job fine but will they give me one? Nah, I’ve had 25 interviews, put in 50 applications. They don’t even contact me to tell me I didn’t get it, they just interview me then ignore me. I put in my disability applications. I know tons of people on disability. I hope this works. I hate to claim disability but it looks like there is no other way I can get a monthly paycheck. I needed a monthly paycheck for the last 4 years. I needed to be out of my parents house 4 years ago. Now I’m just a dead person that kicks. I’d work if I could. Every day there’s another b*tch talking about how people on disability are sh*t and other people shouldn’t have to support them on their taxes. I’m like….not everyone can have such an easy time getting a job even if the job is sh*t easy. I don’t know why they don’t hire me, I feel it has something to do with how I have been forced into mental hospital. Maybe they don’t like the way I dress or my hair cut. Maybe it’s because I am a lesbian and don’t have a baby on the way. I feel disability is my only option. I have to save up. So I can leave here. I plan to save so much if I get disability. I’m gonna save it all after I pay my debt. And hopefully don’t run into more people who want to steal money from me. I need to leave state. I need to get a workable car: I need to save enough to survive on my own.
I thought I’d be out of here by now based on money I made from a job on my own, I can’t control that they always skip hiring me. As far as I know the only way to make a living wage is to work for a contractor. Where’s my living wage going to come from? From a seed I plant in the ground? Fall from the clouds in the sky?
Most people out here get paid from others’ insurance plans. Lmao. That’s just ridiculous to me. I’d never have insurance.
i’m in a similar situation as to what you’ve explained. i’ve applied to so many jobs and gotten a handful of interviews, but to no avail. no one calls back and if i call and ask they just say i wasn’t what they need. i don’t know if it’s because i have a bit of a stutter or that i look like a scrawny 13-year-old, or if it’s because i’m trans and no one wants to deal with possible transphobia or homophobia in the workplace, god forbid.
i really hope that you get on disability and manage to get out of your parents place. i’m on disability right now myself – i don’t know it’s like in the US but i hope the process is n’t as long as it is in canada. either way, i relate to having people sh*t on people who are on disability – my own family does it to me, because apparently i’m not “disabled enough”. what is that even supposed to mean ?? like wtf.
Yeah I am a lesbian and I get called male all the time so I am similar to you in that aspect. I always feel I am not hired because of how I look/ that I am a lesbian, which I view as a hate crime. If they don’t respect my life enough to hire me on to any job, any where. Then I don’t respect my life enough to not end it. They’re all so f*cking homophobic though that is probably what they would want, for homosexuals to die. I’m like your wish is my command. I wouldn’t mind already being dead, I’d probably actually prefer it. Then I go back to where I interviewed and everyone they hired on instead of me is completely unskilled, untalented, uncool, airhead, just plain sh*t. I’m like and I wasn’t hired because you decided in your head there was something wrong with me that really wasn’t..?? Working isn’t the only thing I have going on in my life, but it’d sure be nice because ya know 1. I have a HUGE goal and it requires quite the lump sum of money (most people have no goals) 2. Even if I limit my spending 999% I still NEED to eat.
So I push my goals aside until something happens. I barely eat. And I sit here and wait for either my life to end, or for the next time a hetero abuses me… I’m working on something now or else I would kill myself. But again, I need money to finish the project which I don’t have despite applying to every job in the entire town for the past 4 years. So this goal is pushed aside until I find some money laying around. It’s been pushed aside for a year, I’m sure it won’t get finished until 2019.
Also I get told I look 16 all the time. I’m like the f*ck I’ve lived harder than probably any 30 year old you know. I’m actually really mature.
You could spin the not-planning-to-have-a-baby as an advantage to hiring you…
Ya I mean anyway you look at it you die in the end
I blame the stupid f*ckers for procreating.
They should know you just die. Why create a human that’s just going to die in the end.
They say so it can experience life cuz it’s SO BEAUTIFUL
I’m like ok living in an ugly *ss house in an ugly *ss town with a bunch of ugly *ss people is a beautiful experience? Then I can’t accomplish any of my dreams and I die still surrounded by ugly pieces of sh*t? Sounds beautiful.
Somebody in my state donated a huge amount of birth control materials to one of the biggest counties a few years ago and the stuff has been getting distributed ever since. Now that is real philanthropy.
philanthropy or just depopulation propaganda.
I know that feeling when you have a romantic weekend lined up and end up buying too many rubbers. The wrong size, no less. What to do but hand them out to those in need?
@muspelhem Well of course!
Omg, you guys crack me up!