Good evening.
I scored bad on today’s final. At least I assume so.
Two hours after the end of the test, I had hit by the down of the amphetamine [ Ritalin].
I feel so empty and useless. I don’t think I am, but this is what I feel.
I feel like I want to drown in the open sea. I have hopes; hopes of me solving my family’s finance problems.
I have hope to be the man who will be there for other poor families and hand them food, shelter and education.
I know how hard is to go through the day being hungry. I were there.
But I will never change, untill I will finish my current studies.
I say I’m envying the end of the semester, and the whole fucking studies. I say that to my university friends, to my mom. They look at me in wonder, like I’m insane.
I hate being in this situation. I know for the long run it would make me earn more money, and able to fulfill the payments and etc….
But untill then, I feel I’m more useful working my ass of at minimum job, than studying engineering.
And if I have to study, and I’m not doing well as I hope to, than why can’t I develop friendships?
I’m so stressed that I can’t even meet friends. I don’t have time for them. I’m on the clock with studying and work. I would bet that with out this site and the people here, to rant to about my life, I would fucking jump the 11th floor when I have a chance.
I don’t feel like suicide is an option for me. But I really don’t want to live like this. I hope I’m going to make it to the end. I don’t like being around people because once I’m back to my reality, I’m back to dealing with all these problems alone. And let me tell you a secret -> It is hard.
Even further, being a bit smart, I know that the last years of my teens that lacked socializing and relationship, will eventually back fire on me when I’ll be older. I would lack years of experience.
I don’t talk about sex or how to friend people. I talk about the simplicity of dealing in a relationship – > I never done it right.
Back to the point; each time I’m alone, I’m alone with my own demons.
If I “leave” them and stay around people, or talk to people, those demons grow stronger.
The simple explanation would be; Each time I’m with friends, or socializing, I’m seeing what I envy so bad. I want to be free and young as other people my age. I want to be all about chicks and netflix. I want to live the idea of feeling “yeah, I’m growing up cause I’m studying”. And not because I grow up to deal with my inability of my parents to be parents, and my mom inability to deal with finance.
If you read up to here, please leave a comment. I read each one, and some of those really help me.
If you have an advice, I’m always open minded to those.
Stay strong, Be brave, Yours Jac.
3 comments
i think you’re a pretty amazing guy, Jac. Sometimes it’s easier to make friends when you share a common interest, like the engineering society or political ideology or a hobby at your school. I’ll bet a lot of you are going through the same struggles. It also can’t hurt to make connections in school. They can pay off later on down the road.
Working and going to school is difficult. Remember to spend time on taking care of yourself instead of comparing yourself to others. People who are handed educations don’t often appreciate them. You have a lot of empathy for people in your same situation.
Being a mentor later in life, showing other people in your situation that it is possible to graduate even if you do feel like quitting, well, that can change someone’s whole future.
Thank you for the kind words.
I have connections, but I’m getting hurt by seeing others. I’m getting hurt because it is hard for me to deny the complexity of my situation when I see others. I hope one day to overcome that. But untill then, it is just a pain in the fucking heart, mind and soul.
Study harder my friend. Believe in yourself. Because you know the answer. You know the perfect score is yours. My best advice I can give you. The test isn’t the competitor, the writer of the test is. All you have to do is outsmart the test writer. Hell, they oogle piles of books while they write the thing. If you can size up the instructor’s intelligence, you can size down the answers. I know you think college is so hard and it’s such a load. It’s all information from men who write the books. Books are your friend. Instructors rely solely on books.
Ask the instructor what his favorite study books are. Read them. The state tests, usually written by middle aged people. A young person can always outsmart an older person. Young people have brain power.