Yesterday my case manager came to my house and he left me thinking. These aren’t his exact words but this is what he said.
“You are not in school, there is no reason, no damn excuse your mom should have to come home to a dirty house! You should walk your dog everyday! You should walk up the street to the library every day! All you do is sit the house and do nothing!”
Any of it didn’t offend me(in a way)because I respect him for letting me know what I’m doing wrong. He doesn’t mean it to hurt my feelings although it came out angry. But my excuse is I’m too depressed to do anything. It hurts my feelings because I’m not trying to learn things at 16 that I should and he’s pointing it out.
His point is that when I try do something there’s always an excuse. For an example walking the dog. My excuse is its too cold, my feet hurt, my back hurt, I’m too depressed, there’s no point in doing it. I understand what I’m lagging in doing, Im just too scared to fight through.
At the end if the day I know that if I want to succeed in life its going to hurt until I achieve it. That billion-dollar business, all those real estate properties, that luxury car, that mansion, wife, kids, money, happiness. I know, that it takes blood, sweat, and tears. And I can’t get it staying in the comfort zone or stuck in a some depressive jail or something. I need to beat that b**tch inside. I want to be stronger.
But it’s so so so hard. I feel like I can’t do it. I feel like I’m not meant for it. That’s why I’m on this website. People all over the internet say things they wouldn’t say to my face.
I don’t even love myself. But I want to change. No! I need to change.
7 comments
It is too cold actually. I walked 700 miles in the spring and Summer while reading as I walked as to not have to pay attention to the weirdos all around me. I haven’t walked since November when it started getting colder. Plus; I got more depressed in November, was raped October 17 or 18 so I stopped walking entirely. I stopped leaving my house and I was about to jump off a cliff 30 miles away. That was going to be the last place I walked. Instead of jumping off a cliff I started slamming my head into the wall, cement floor, and my fists. But I’m a little ok now. I have gotten a small job for the first time in 4 years. It is not a real job it is more like a small paying gig, but it is better than nothing. Because if I’m going to survive this I need to save up money so I can leave town and that has been my goal since 6 years ago. I still get raped. I was raped about a week ago, and I still think about killing myself daily and have the materials for suicide waiting on me if I choose to use them.
Anyway, I gained 70 pounds on 4 months of antipsychotics in 2015 (I was never psychotic, had weirdos following me since 2013 and was abducted by police 3-6 times) and lost it all walking 700 miles. I did however gain 6 pounds back when I stopped walking when I was trying to lose 15 more.
Ultimately, your life, this guy isn’t your friend he’s paid to work for you.
Ultimately for me, I have DUI, best call is I leave town. Worst is I pay the 1100$ for my money back then drive to the next town over and jump off this cliff. I am pretty much being held hostage.
My license*
I hope it gets better for you soon. There has to be a way out of your situation.
More like a labrynth
If you have a library within walking distance you should go! It’s warm in there.
it’s good to see some positivity out of you. You’re right when you say that it takes blood, sweat, and tears. but that just makes it even more worth it in the end. keep pushing forward. I believe in you.
Most of my issues are avoiding the outside world.