5

I can’t wait until the day I blow all the money in my account so I’d get to see my partner that’s living at the other end of the world.

Only to realise my plan when I get back home a week after. I’m determined on finalising it. Just one attempt and if I fail, I’ll live on like the failure that I am, and with the consequence of it.

I don’t want to traumatise him like I did my friends during my attempt two years ago but I don’t want to stay alive any more.

He’s too good to be true. So clever in his studies. I think he could live without me for I probably contribute nothing to his life.

I love him. He’s one of the reasons why I’m holding on but how do I even pull this through if I can’t leave my home to just make this escape. Seeing him would be equivalent to me running away.

My parents wouldn’t let me see him alone for they fear that he’ll r*pe me. They don’t even know him so maybe their fear is based to headlines of people being harassed by men they meet online is valid and for that I understand.

He won’t. If anything, he’s the least likely to ever do me any physical or mental harm, that’s his nature. But naturally my parents won’t believe in him, or in me to save myself in a foreign country with no relatives to run to in the case of things going wrong.

I hate it. Or maybe I could, just live to the end of my days knowing we’ll never get to meet. Or touch each other.

Counting my days.

-soapandwasser