Not suicide related. Rant ahead.
I think I’m more shallow than your local kiddie pool. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for people that aren’t even average looking. It’s wonderful though seeing these people finding love everywhere, and for that I secretly applaud them cause I don’t even know if I can get past someone’s look before falling for them.
I know it has something to do with my insecurities. I’m aware that it’s silly to think my looks are superior than anyone that’s not conventionally attractive. And that I should fix these mean thoughts but I don’t know how.
People say to focus on your achievements more than your looks cause looks can’t last forever but there’s really nothing that I achieved in my life rather than this skin that I’m fairly satisfied with.
I spent my tween years wondering how the f*** am I so ugly when my sisters and my mum are so f***ing beautiful. And now I’ve friends that likes to praise me to the heavens and it’s getting to my head, I’ll admit it.
Right now I have this friend who sends me unsolicited nudes, waiting for me to say stop when she instinctively know I don’t want to see her naked anymore. She likes to joke about doing sexual stuffs to me which I, have to say, I sometimes entertain and tease back saying she might get to do that whenever I don’t think she looks ugly (and that is when I’m not depressed and planning my suicide in my head).
But deep down I do think that she looks gross. It doesn’t feel good at all to think like this. It’s pathetic because she’s a more competent, successful women than me but because of her looks and how much she sometimes annoy me, I feel like she’s ugly.
2 comments
You realize over time that things like that don’t even matter….. at all.
I mean if they are rotten to the core then I feel you could do worse
There’s always someone that gets to sit their and be a punching bag for people who want to throw around insults
You don’t like the way they look then don’t look at them
How many people do you see a day that look like movie stars?
You probably are overobsessed with the television and aren’t aware of the current times
Too much self absorption is a bad thing
It’s not a matter of how many people I see a day that looks like movie star, nor am I obsessed with pretty humans. And she’s my friend. I see her everyday, and I have two other friends that aren’t conventionally attractive too.
I just, have this, ugly thought that thinks I’m superior than said friends despite the useless thing that I am, despite how little I achieve, because I think I’m more good looking than them. It’s pathetic.
I wish I could get over it because I don’t want to get depressed if I ever grow uglier when I’m older. I want to be able to accept how I look then.
I have this irrational fear of being ugly because I believe that if I am, no one would want to be friends with me, that I won’t deserve love.
As much as I know that’s ridiculous, it’s a belief deeply embedded in me and I can’t find the source to it nor can I just grow out of it. It’s like a cognitive dissonance with nothing to comfort either the first or second thought cause both are dominant in my head.