I posted a bit ago about the demise of my relationship. I have been running over everything in my head, reading article after article. I can see huge parts of it being “he’s possibly a proper narcissist” and parts of it “my anxiety makes me weird.”
Every day, I go back and forth between the bad things I know he did and the good things I know he did. Why did I react in certain ways? Why did he say this one minute and contradict it the next? Why didn’t he try to understand my anxiety or listen when I said I was so depressed I couldn’t function properly? Did I ruin everything? Can anything ever be repaired? Is there even a point? Was any of it even real? Am I the fucking narcissist?
Was I being love-bombed and it didn’t matter how I reacted to anything, it always would have turned out this way? Did I finally have someone who actually loved me, and I ruined it all by having a broken brain?
All of my relationships up until this one have been so fucked up, and I dated him on the heels of yet another crappy boyfriend. Almost everyone has cheated on me, almost always it’s been dysfunctional, and I keep thinking… did I come in with severe baggage that I didn’t realize and screw it all up?
It’s fucking plaguing me so badly. Too much bad things have happened recently (work, home, family, money, you fucking name it), and I feel like nothing was ever quite right. It’s driving me nuts and I’m barely hanging on.
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My personal lengthy experience with depression, anxiety, heartbreak, etc. has taught me one thing (or rather, it hasn’t, but the Internet has):
The more you focus on the bad stuff, the worse you function and feel. The more you focus on the good stuff, the better you function and feel.
nothing is really going well for the last 2 months or so, sadly.
I know that it feels like it’s all your fault and I know that nothing I say can convince you otherwise. I know this feeling tho. I know that it feels like you’re the narcissist but you really aren’t. It’s not you’re fault the relationships didn’t work out. You’ll make it through this even if it doesn’t feel like it.