Made it through the end of the semester. Got the grades/GPA I needed. Just got accepted into business school. I am going to push myself and pursue a double-major. Decided to spend the summer back home and help out with the family business. However I get back to a different family than the one I had left. They want us to all quit working so hard, and spend all summer working on a newly-acquired family lakehouse. The lakehouse is close-ish to my college and I am told I can use the place whenever I want.
He has a gun closet in his bathroom. 2 shotguns (1 under the bed, other in the closet), 3 AR-15’s, and a few pistols are kept there. I know because as a child I would often grab these guns and put the barrel in my mouth. That habit started around the 8th grade, but I had done similar things with knife blades since 2nd grade. The option of suicide being so obtainable often gives me comfort. It’s kinda like my “Happy Place.” Many times I will put myself in a position to easily do it (gun in mouth) just to taste the realness of it.
I don’t know if I would ever kill myself. It seems like a fantasy. In some ways, I am mad at my girlfriend for not supporting my suicidal ambitions. Of course, anything other than vehement opposition would be weird, still I can’t help but feel that stakeholders should also care about what would help me find my peace.
That’s all I have on my mind. Y’all have a good one.
4 comments
“He has a gun closet in his bathroom. 2 shotguns (1 under the bed, other in the closet), 3 AR-15’s, and a few pistols are kept there.”
What a dream >3
“Grab these guns and put the barrel in my mouth”
Well…i put the barrel on my head and heart and triggered but without bullets. It was the most liberating thing I’ve ever tasted. The freedom of ending all this bad taste play called life…yamiii…
At the time my best fury friend jumped on me and I decided not to put bullets in bc she’d die alone in the house starving to death so I’m still here but I miss that sensation. And now she’s not here anymore. Time to try again such a wonderful pleasure…
I got suicidal at 11 🙂 like you it’s an internal issue since young. And IDK if my love would approve my suicide…may be if I invited to take part but my dearest seems happy enough to live.
I don’t know why I found so much comfort in this but I just want to say thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Recently I have felt inspired to start writing to this blog more often. I am glad this inspiration has provided you with some comfort. Have a good one, laelaps, and thank you for commenting.
The taste experienced during those moments can’t be described with any combination of words. I appreciate the like-mindedness of your experience, OffTheShadows. Like I said, I don’t think I would ever actually do it in those moments. It’s a bad habit, much like smoking, that makes reality a little more bearable. Thank you for your comment.