I don’t know how to let go of myself – all of the stupid things about me that cause needless suffering. A part of me keeps insisting that reality magically reshape itself to fit my will. And of course it won’t. Things will never be ideal. They will never fit with the ideas I have of what is acceptable. All you can do is reshape yourself to try to adjust to that reality.
But my ego is just too fucking stubborn. I don’t know how to exist without those preconceived ideas. It’s like trying to navigate without a map. Everything just seems empty and meaningless, and I end up in this kind of existential sulk.
I can recognize, logically, how it’s preferable to let go of your delusions of self, rather than having them traumatically shredded by age and society and eventually death. But when it comes to actually doing that, I haven’t a clue. Meditation and mindfulness barely seem to scratch the surface.
I’m addicted to my own suffering, my lies, my false sense of self, my cravings, my frustrated longing, my fear. I have no idea how to be without it. How to act in the world. There’s nothing underneath, just emptiness.
7 comments
I find life is empty and meaningless because other humans have made it so
Don’t want to denigrate your suffering in any way, but isn’t the experience of emptiness/meaninglessness something within you? I mean, other people may have done something to you that has violated the way you believe that reality should be, leading you to experience it that way. You had your expectations (which could have been totally reasonable), and they may have been broken by others, so you can’t square that reality with your expectations. Ideally you’d want to be able to shift your expectations so you could be at peace with that reality, if you couldn’t change it. But that may be extremely difficult, depending on how scary that new reality seems.
In my case it’s complicated by having extremely unrealistic/distorted expectations of reality to begin with. It was highly unlikely that the world could ever measure up. But even recognizing that doesn’t enable me to let go.
No I was fine before I started noticing what was going on around me
But if what was going on around you fitted with your expectations of how reality should be, then wouldn’t you still have been fine?
Idk man reality should be that I have succeeded in suicide my date was set for 6 years ago…. that’s all I’ve been trying to do since and fail every time:
I wouldn’t care what was going around if that were to have happened but now I look around and am like what the h*ll
Is there something wrong with these folk?
Hey Husk, sorry to hear you’re still in the hole. I have a question. You seem to be stuck in a particular place. Do your daily habits change? I mean do you pretty much do the same cycle of things each day, week year etc?
It may seem obvious but things can’t change until you change them. (duh) Sometimes you need some reckless abandon even just to get some change in your life.
When i was in a state of despising myself (still do really) having no emotions, feeling like a shell, that my mind and personality were permanently damaged beyond repair and the sins i’d committed could not be overcome, I ended up falling into drugs and such things.
Ended up crashing my car and knocking myself out against the road when my car flipped. It was one of the worst times in my life but looking back on it all the years i spend as an empty human devoid of meaning weren’t really going to change until i faced my demons.
I’m not recommending you to hurt yourself. I’m simply pointing out that if you’re stuck in a hole, cycling down into oblivion, that’s not just going to change one day. It will just continue until you either waste away or become agitated enough to catch the bus.
There has to be a drastic change in your behaviors. Maybe try throwing yourself into the fire and when you jump out in pain your views on life will change and nature will take its course and kick start some new motivations for living
just a different spin on things i guess. best of luck mate
No, my daily habits don’t change (much.) Sometimes I feel I’m doing a little better, other times worse, but the major habits remain the same. I kind of see the logic in what you’re saying…just not sure it’s something I could ever allow to happen. The fear just has such a grip on me. Every time I take some small step towards change I eventually find some way to back out of it, without really meaning to.
But I clearly need to try something new.