If you let me fall in love with you like I want to, I’d do anything for you. I mostly want to massage you, eat you out, give you the best food and drink, and remember the smallest things about your personality.
I’d even help you enact a painless and undetectable suicide, if you were completely sure that’s what you wanted. It’s your right and I would never assert otherwise. I would bury your secret and cover it with a nonplussed veneer. I signed up for the whole woman with all her flaws and self-doubt, just so I could find joy in giving. Obviously I’d rather give head.
You know as well as I do that forming a specific, actionable plan is one of the better cures for the “I want to die” pity party. That shit’s as played out as psychology: sunlight, vegetables, and oral sex all work better than SSRIs and a chaise longue.
But she doesn’t want it and I’ve never met anyone else who’s so fully and beautifully articulated. I doubt I ever will because everyone just gets fatter and dumber over time.
Fuck it, I’m bored and tired. I’ll try electroshock and emigration to see if that helps me forget. Alcohol doesn’t any more.
7 comments
finish your thoughts please
What’s there to finish? Down the nape, between the shoulder blades, the underside of the breasts, tracing down the flank around to the inner thigh, the calves and wrists. She probably thinks I have a foot fetish because I needed to stare at something ugly to distract myself from her not wearing bras.
It’s not even oneitis or *****-pedestal nonsense, just a rational assessment of an increasingly slim probability. I’ve met very few women of this caliber, and I want to devote my considerable aptitude and attention to detail to her pleasure. That’s the best feeling, like when a suspicious cat finally opens up and trusts you.
My time is better spent acquiring sodium pentobarbital than rolling the dice on some basic career woman. Don’t take it as an imminent threat of danger to myself or others; there will be no “attempts” and I won’t fail. That’s enough reason for me to put it off indefinitely.
why did you post this message today…just curious.
No particular reason. I’m not especially lonely, bored, tired, or horny today. Just empty as usual.
how long have you felt empty?
It comes and goes. This time, at least a month. Being a functional suicidal is a lot like being a functional alcoholic.
if you ever want to talk…spookichick@shaw.ca