I think I have a bipolar disorder.
I told my parents a few weeks ago, but they’re acting as if I’d said nothing.
Yesterday, I went to a friend’s birthday party and I felt like I wasn’t even there. And maybe it was because of the loneliness and vulnerability I felt because of the party or because of something else, but I’ve been eating non-stop since then. This always happens. I can’t do my work. I can’t read a book (something which I would usually enjoy immensely). I’ve been sitting in front of my computer all day. I don’t feel like doing anything that requires more energy than sitting. I feel like disappearing, painlessly and soundlessly.
I keep imagining that tomorrow I won’t go to school, and when my mum comes into my room to tell me to get ready, I’ll burst into tears and have a real-as-shit breakdown. But I know I won’t, because after seventeen years of fitting in a specific mold, I can’t get out. I’m that person: the quiet one, the boring one, the smart one, the dependable one, the mediocre one, the wallflower, the good listener, the nice one. And I’m sick of it all. I just feel like crying and I don’t know why. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being petty, that maybe I should just grow up, but god I am lonely. No matter how many people I find who I can relate to, no matter how many books I read that hold the words to my soul, no matter how much music I listen to in an attempt to fill this emptiness that I keep pushing to the back of my mind, I know that something is wrong with me.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of constantly swinging between wanting to live life to the fullest and wanting to kill myself.
3 comments
hey i have absolutely the same problem. and the last sentence describes my life perfectly.
Livs, Lucy… I woke up after about an hrs sleep with a throbbing headache wondering what the hell to do with my life… I feel you… The only thing that makes me feel kinda peaceful is thinking about dying.. And no, its not an emotional decision, more a logical one.. From being an avid reader, in sales (communicating) and martial arts, in the past one year I have shrivelled down to nothing… Cant feel myself, don’t feel like I exist anymore.. None of the things I did before make me happy and the people (my so called family) bothered to even listen… so I sorta shut down emotionally…
So what is the end? Suicide means I’m free of this pain (of not being able to control myself – I celebrate when I carry a plate from the kitchen to my room), the thought of meeting people, anyone (well, it never occurs to me) and for the life of me, I don’t even understand why I cannot even cry anymore… Feel so numb and deadened inside, desensitized…
Am giving it a week, I’m going to be selfish, materialistic and break all the rules.. and if I don’t feel better, expect a long post goodbye…
p.s. reading the reply i just wrote makes me feel petty and attention grabbing… 🙁
You’re not petty and attention grabbing.
And despite how down I’m feeling right now, I truly, really hope you’ll feel better in a week.