asleep
(dream of wine and laughter and joy)
awake
drunk on sadness
you want to be clean you want to hold your head above the water
but
in between gasps of air you realize you’re drowning (or)
maybe you drowned a long time ago.
asleep
(dream of wine and laughter and joy)
awake
drunk on sadness
you want to be clean you want to hold your head above the water
but
in between gasps of air you realize you’re drowning (or)
maybe you drowned a long time ago.
I just know that I can’t keep living like this.
I’m skipping school today because I didn’t do my homework and I have assessments today I’m not ready for.
It sounds petty, and it is. I feel unnervingly calm these days; friends are worrying about college apps and tests, and I just sit there, feeling nothing. I’ve always been a huge procrastinator, but this year the results have finally shown it: my grades have slipped, I’m always sleeping late, I never have any energy in class, I hate all my subjects, I’m constantly binge-eating. And I know I should care (I do, to some extent), but I […]
The kind that’s numbing, the kind that puts you in a perpetual fog and makes you want to sleep all day.
I’ve been depressed for the past five years. Lately I’ve been feeling okay most of the time, but then there are moments of weaknesses when I’m alone, when I’m overwhelmed by the futility of it all. When thoughts of suicide arrive, I’m not even surprised anymore. I’m a senior in high school and I keep feeling like I’m on the verge of fucking up whatever chance I have at a future, but the thing is, I can’t see myself living past twenty; I don’t […]
I think I have a bipolar disorder.
I told my parents a few weeks ago, but they’re acting as if I’d said nothing.
Yesterday, I went to a friend’s birthday party and I felt like I wasn’t even there. And maybe it was because of the loneliness and vulnerability I felt because of the party or because of something else, but I’ve been eating non-stop since then. This always happens. I can’t do my work. I can’t read a book (something which I would usually enjoy immensely). I’ve been sitting in front of my computer all day. I don’t feel like doing anything that requires more energy than […]
I felt uneasy this morning because I wasn’t depressed. I know myself and I know that in times like those, I start things and commit to things, which, when the apathy comes back and the excitement melts away, I don’t finish, or I finish badly. Art projects and extracurricular activities and journals and diets and workouts and promises with friends to hang out. Most have all come and gone to shit.
Now, a few hours later, I’m back; I’m feeling hopeless and unhappy and apathetic and tired tired tired.
These extreme moods are draining.
It kills me a little every time I think “Oh, maybe I’m okay now!” […]
sometimes the hours and days mesh together in a string of restless, mindless indulgences. and i find that it doesn’t matter, because i don’t care what happens to me. it is no one’s fault except mine that i am both alone and lonely and it has taken me a long time to figure out that there is a difference.
maybe once i had possessed reason. maybe once, a too long time ago, i didn’t have the endless need to question everything i know and believe in. why why why why why. it’s exhausting.
and i am empty. i don’t want to be saved. i don’t want to […]
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