Living with myself is…tricky. Recognizing all of the ugliness within me doesn’t change it. I can rationally see the awfulness in me. But the unacceptable feelings remain. There’s still anger, hatred, and resentment without cause. I resent those who are better than me. I resent them for highlighting my dysfunction. I resent them for pursuing meaningful lives, in spite of their tribulations. I resent that I can’t be like them. I resent them for how well adjusted they are to this reality. I resent this reality for being as it is. For allowing me to be as I am, in all my wretchedness.
I have no real justification for all of this resentment. The fault, the deficiency, is within me. Within my mind. But the feelings remain, despite that recognition.
Feelings…what do they mean? Such petty, transient, trifling things. But they’re all we have, to motivate us, to hang significance upon. My feelings, my experiences, mean nothing to the universe. To the world. To anyone outside of my head. They are my own lonely, narcissistic absorption. No one will ever share them, or really understand them. They are the product of my own unique set of dysfunctions. But they are all I have. They are ‘me’, to the extent that there is a ‘me’. These delusions of selfhood, of significance, of meaning & narrative.
It’s amazing how much suffering can be generated by a mind simply reflecting on itself. Desperately wishing, yearning, for reality to be otherwise. Full of regret for imagined possibilities now clearly dissolved into nothingness. Reality doesn’t care. It rolls on, crushing such delusions under it’s wheels.
But still I cling to the feelings, to the suffering, to the imagined significance. Because without them there is no me. There is no purpose.
And lack of purpose is terrifying, in a way it seems impossible to reconcile yourself to.
It all has to really matter somehow. All my feelings, my suffering, my yearning. There has to be significance in it.
Because how do you act without that? How do you reconcile yourself to the alternative?
How do you accept the death that is your future, or the endless cycle of death and birth that is the future of this world? The mind desperately seeks to impute meaning, significance, and purpose onto the reality. Because without that there is no cause to act. And the mind must instigate action. One thing must be preferable to the other. Meaning must be assigned. Action must be taken. It is the nature of thought.
2 comments
I feel like im trapped in my own mind too.
your feelings don’t matter. humans are worthless and life has no meaning. we are born, take pleasure, give life and die. that’s how it’s always been.
all we can do is cling to life in hope that something, someone will happen in our lives and make it seem worthy.
there is no point in dwelling on things that can’t be changed.
I know these thoughts. And recently have recognized more and more in myself that I dislike. I’ve been like this a long time, and I used to believe in purpose, in reason. But someone put it to me, does the sun need a reason to be there? Nope. There is no great reason, no great purpose, nothing. It all just is. But then I cling to the hope that there maybe will be someday? IDK. My mind is my greatest enemy right now.