My days are all blank except for her. everything is grey and unknown and scary but when I see her I calm down. If only I wasn’t so broken and messy, then maybe I could act on what I feel. But it’s just looks and long nights awake and wishing things were different like I could just drag both of us away from the world just to talk to her. I did not expect to love her. Is it love? I don’t know everything about her yet, and it wasn’t love at first sight. It just came upon me crashing down when I imagined her lying next to me and how happy it made me feel. But it’s scary now. I know I’m definitely queer now. But that’s not an issue for me, I love being lgbt but my feelings are real now, not just in my head, and she’s a real person. That’s what’s scary. And everyday when I walk away from her I curse myself for being the way I am because there’s no chance for us. Who wants a depressed freak of a girlfriend? I’ve already basically cut everyone else out of my life and now I’m supossed to let her in because I want to? I can’t even trust myself enough for that. I’m too awkward and it’s highschool and I’m in the worst place ever right now but if I let her go, will I sink even deeper? I have no idea how do deal with this.
4 comments
You better go for it girl! Like I always say, let the other person decide if they want you in their life, don’t make that choice for them. Because regarless of your history, you never know how you might impact eachother’s life. First of all, there’s more to you than just depression, you just can’t see it right now because depression becomes a habit that crowds the spotlight. But it’s still there, I assure you. Some days I feel like all I am is just depressed, but I know that’s just crazy hormones clouding my brain, so I just wait for it to pass and try not to think too deeply into it. Because on my good days I can remember who I am. Loves to smile and laugh at dumb things, gets overjoyed at the little things like candles and bath bombs and organization, and determined to become a running/fitness junky. You might be a stranger to me, but I bet if I knew you I could point out all your good and fun qualities! So don’t let depression hold you back from a potential relationship. For all you know, that girl might have her own history with depression. You just can never know, so why waste a chance? Even if it doesn’t work out, that’s a natural part of life, and it doesn’t make you selfish nor a bad person if you try to bring someone else into your life. You already suffered enough, you deserve to follow your heart and keep on doing so until you succeed!
Also I forgot to add; don’t let awkwardness be an excuse. Embrace it! Many people enjoy awkwardness because it’s totally relatable. Everyone has it and everyone feels it (:
thank you
I’m lesbian, as in ONLY physically attracted to woman, and I fill “the pants” role, but I’m always mostly attracted to myself.