where do I even begin

I really just want to die. I just want to stop feeling so much pain and sadness. I wish I could wash it away or wave some magic wand and not feel the intoxicating hug of my depression. I am done pretending that I can get through this or that its going to get better, I have no way of knowing the future. I think about how I could just vanish and not have to feel so ashamed or pathetic, I don’t really self harm anymore it doesn’t help get the pain to go away, I think about trying again all the time. I feel so disgusting and I just want to crawl out of my own skin. I need this all to be over.