Deterioration

I’ve had left side flank pain on and off for four years now.

I finally got to see a GI specialist.

The specialist thinks my mental illness has caused my physical illness and pain for the past four years. That I have IBS and there’s nothing she can really do for me, and that psychiatric medication is probably my solution.

Unfortunately medication hasn’t been safe for me and no other treatments have helped me either.

I have already given mental illness the ability to make friends.

I have already given my mental illness educational opportunities.

I have given it my ability to support myself financially.

I have given it all my relationships with friends, family, and with significant others.

I have lost part of my journey in motherhood to my mental illness.

I have signed over my fertility to my mental illness.

I have given the very person I am – the mother, sister, daughter, and lover I wanted to be to my mental illness.

I have nearly given my life to my mental illness.

Yet here it is still devouring more of me.

I have nothing left to give.

I’m out of options.

At this point I need to assess my quality of life again.

I’ve been warned my whole life that if I didn’t get my mental health under control there would be physical consequences.

At age 26 that has finally been confirmed. It’s already been going on for 4 years.

My life will continue to deteriorate as everyone around me will inevitably grow more tired of me than I am of myself. My physical and mental health will also worsen.

It’s likely that I will lose custody and possibly visitation with both of my children, I will become homeless, and finally I will lose my humanity and I will be like an animal trapped in a cage.

There’s obviously not a timeline on that but I’m rotting away relatively quickly.

I have two options

Wait around and continue to rot living the best miserable life I can

Or

Take control and end it before things get worse.

Please don’t tell me how I “may never know things may get better” I’ve been told by multiple professionals that I will only get worse as time goes on. Wellness isn’t an option for me.

I just need to determine as clear headed and thoughtful as possible what is enough.

People insist that suicide is a rash decision or one without thinking, but in my case that isn’t true. This is something that I have analyzed, prepared for, and planned right down to minor funeral details.