I keep asking myself over and over ‘why aren’t I ending it?’ And the only real answers I can seem to come up with are fear and attachment.
It’s hard to pinpoint what it is about death that scares me. Perhaps it’s the uncertainty. I tend to assume that death is the end – that when the brain dies, all experience ceases. But what if I’m wrong about that? What if consciousness can somehow continue beyond the physical? I fear that. I fear being trapped in a worse state of existence, with no ability to change things. I fear judgement. Being confronted with all the terrible things that I’ve done, and the worse that I desire. I fear punishment. I fear torment. I fear eternity. I fear being stuck in a never-ending state of regret, shame, self-loathing, and despair. I don’t believe, but I fear.
But why not take that chance? Everyone dies at some point. Why not take that leap now, and hope that it works out favorably? Bring to an end my current suffering, avoid how much worse things are likely to get, and face the risk that things might get worse a little sooner than they otherwise would? I suppose the idea is to try and live in a way that somehow avoids a worse fate after death – but I’m not doing that. Because I don’t really believe in anything enough to commit to facing more suffering in life, in the hopes of avoiding punishment/hell/other. I’m not going to confess all that I’ve done, Crime & Punishment style, in the hope that facing a lifetime of retribution will somehow save my eternal soul. I don’t believe enough to put myself through that.
It may be that all of that is simply rationalization – that the fear is instinctive, for any animal anticipating it’s death. I don’t know if that means that it should be overcome, and that I should try to go through with it anyway. I do think it’s fair to say that overall the world would probably be better off without someone like me in it, and it would be better if my individual experience of existence came to an end.
But that brings me up against the other element of resistance, attachment. In some sense I think I’m attached to my suffering. To my experience of pain. I both strongly feel that it should no longer be, yet also can’t seem to contemplate letting go of it. There’s this resistance to the thought that where there is now sound, and irritation, sensation, anguish, craving, despair, anger, there should simply be silence.
Again, I don’t know if that’s something I should be attempting to overcome. Rationally, it seems better that such negative experience should come to an end. But I don’t think I could ever bring myself to actually go through with it. The instinctive resistance just seems too strong, on a level that undercuts rational thought.
But that leaves me trying to live (for the time being). And I don’t know how to do that either. I don’t know how to live with the mess that I’ve made of my life. I don’t know how to live with being me. With who I am. I don’t think it’s salvageable. The things I want from life – it’s just not possible anymore, if it ever was. And I don’t know how to live with that. To not be consumed by the regret, the longing, the craving, the self-hatred. I’m so full of fear, negativity, of hatred, anger, and resentment. And I don’t know how to live with that. I just want it to cease. Except seemingly not enough to make it happen. I want not to be me anymore. Yet I’m too attached to my experience to let go.
I’m stuck, going round and round in circles. I know something has to change, sooner or later. Yet I can’t seem to bring myself to make it happen. I don’t have good enough reasons to motivate myself to live. But I can’t bring myself to end it.
12 comments
As per usual another of your posts sums up my situation perfectly, the possibility of an afterlife holds no fear for me, but the pain of completing is what I fear, so I’m stuck.
I’m sorry to hear that (that you’re in a similar state.) I think the m3thod I have in mind should be relatively pain free, but I just can’t see how I’d ever be able to push myself to overcome that instinctive resistance. Even if I got to the point where it was all ready to go, I think I’d bail out when it came to the actual act.
I had a shotgun once but I made an excuse not to do it that very night that I picked up the gun, I was completely ready to shoot off my head and die, I had been preparing for 9 years… I had been ready to die for at least 4 of those years. I had a rental car due the next day so I wanted to wait to take it back. I went to take a nap and for some reason I was followed and my roommates sold me out (I had been ready for 4 years, but I never had enough money in those years) then I had to spend 28 lifeless days in a lunatic hospital, With a bill of 36,000$ that I never paid. I knew I’d still kill myself but I’d just have to wait again.. it’s harder now because I have people that don’t trust me, I could appear innocent enough but they’d still not trust me to sell me the weapons. I always get paranoid when thinking of purchasing another shotgun (it’s private sellers) So I can’t simply pick up a rifle at the gun shop. It has been three years. Since I’ve switched between being on probation and in jail for the bulk of those three years, I have collected a 150% lethal dose of pills that the loony home gave me, I have attempted to build my own gun with buckshot but I couldn’t get it to fire, idk if these things will kill me but because nothing has changed or gotten better in my life, I would have to try any method I can get my hands on…. but not yet I have a little more time to wait…
I was afraid of death a lot more when I was younger. I feel like I fear it a lot less now (mainly probably coz of my use of psychedelics). Of course I still fear it as everyone, its built in the structure of your brain so you cant really help it or rationalize it. What really mean when I say “Im not afraid of death (anymore)” is that I am not afraid of the inevitability of death or that Im not afraid that I will eventually die. I was really afraid of that and I believe many people still are and I think its not really healthy.
I do really fear of suicide tho. I dont really want my life to end like that and Im afraid that if I will continue this path that Im on it may be the case in the future. (I dont really wanna put down any people that want to commit or have committed, It really is up to everyone to decide). I sometimes got suicidal thoughts when Im really depressed but that is more like feeling of not wanting to live anymore, not wanting to be here rather then actual dedication to commit. Deep down I know I couldnt do it (not now).
It really does sometimes feel like nothing would change if I was gone and no one would care (or even that it would be better) but I think that is really just illusion of my spoiled mind. You influence so much people in your life you cant really even comprehend it. Because the people you influence (even with stupid comments like this) influence other people and so on… And you can never know what effect your suicide would have on this reality.
I have no fear and attachment holding me here but I also have no gun, which is why I am still alive in the “worst version of existence” how you put it. Been trying to end my life for 12 years..
If there is an afterlife then you’ll get punished whether you die now or 40 years from now, it won’t change anything. If however, you reject such a laughable idea as we Atheists do (because there is absolutely no scientific evidence for it), then you know your suffering ends when your body dies.
Well no offense to you my friend but there’s no way in hell I’d let myself suffer needlessly on this Earth if I knew my life wouldn’t get any better. There are a few things I’m still hanging around for and I believe things will improve for me in the coming year. I’ve given myself even more time than that to sort my life out. But if my situation becomes untenable, I won’t hesitate to check out.
I’m not encouraging you one way or the other but what I am trying to do is remove any imaginary obstacles you’ve created for yourself in order to be free to act again. Whether that means living a fulfilling life or otherwise.
It’s been said we are our own worst enemy and I learned this from experience with myself and I believe you are doing the same yourself also. You need to really think outside the box, that is the narrow lens you’ve viewed yourself and your life up to this point.
Let me explain with an analogy, say you have a fear of heights but you know you can conquer it if you went for one sky-diving jump. That’s your answer. You have to do something different, unconventional, something you’ve never done before.
It’s like approaching a total stranger at a club you find to be very attractive. Maybe you’re shy/intimidated but you’ll never meet that girl (or guy) unless you act boldly. You’re so afraid of doing anything that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and you end up doing nothing but lamenting about your life stuck in the same holding pattern.
It’s no knock on you but nothing will stop me from ending my life the day I decide. Obviously, I feel the same fear of death everyone else does but when I do ‘commit’ that means my drive to end my life was greater than my fear of dying.
Additionally, if you choose a reliable method that is fairly painless/quick, then you’ll be more secure in your decision. Ofc we can’t discuss methods but I’ll just say mine will probably involve an inert gas with a backup in case that doesn’t work. But I’m sure it will because dozens of other people have gone this way.
Whatever you decide, be bold and act on your decision-I say that for everyone in the same situation.
I wish I had your conviction. I tell myself similar things, make plans, but if push came to shove and things got really bad, I just don’t know if I could go through with it.
You’re right, I am paralyzed with fear, and I do need to do something. I just don’t know how to overcome that. It’s so overwhelming, and it constantly eats away at everything I do. I can’t imagine anything removing it.
I think my plan in terms of method is probably similar to yours (although I’m not sure about a backup.) But when it comes to the moment of truth, I think I’ll end up bailing out.
Hi, soda. I am smart enough to know you are day2day. Why have you changed your username? I still will open a thread once you reply. I want to get you in a chat thread with older people. Seeing that we only live once, I really am hungry to talk to intelligent, like minded people.
@Husk, you can be strong if you chose to. It’s also a fear of the unknown. If you thoroughly do your research that will go a long way to reassure yourself that whatever you plan it will succeed because others have done it before.
Just keep in mind there isn’t a magic fairy to solve all our problems. If we desire anything in life we have to do it ourselves, no one else can do it for us. I believe that suffering is much worse than death. It’s not something I’d let myself experience or wish on others. But all I can do for others is to show them the door, they have to walk through themselves.
Whenever I choose to something even if I’m afraid of it, I do it because I know it’s right and that helps to alleviate my fears. On a number of rare occasions, I’ve had to risk my life to change things for the better or to save my azz, largely because I had no other choice.
Sometimes you discover you’re a lot stronger and more powerful than you thought. Of course, not always, some challenges are just best avoided-but most can be handled with some courage.
As for the means of exiting, we’re all subject to the laws of physics/nature, we’re not immortal. So there are numerous ways that have proven to work for others, so they’ll work for us.
One day I will definitely ‘leave’ also while I have my sanity and health mostly intact. I never want to end up like some poor souls who go senile, then end up in some nursing home where they’re abused/starved, etc and then die in slow painful ways, no sir not for me. Clearly you’re a smart guy so you know what you need to do. You’ve talked yourself into a corner you can talk yourself out of it.
@tiredofchronicpain correct, I was bored of the old name and wanted to update it. I’m not here very often and tend to reply sporadically. But do your thing, cheers.
Sure, man. I will make a post “update” and I would like for you to lend an opinion. I like your writing style.
Tired, just saw your post now.
As mentioned I’m not here that often. Also I reply to posts that I have an interest in. So it’s best not to get your hopes up or you’ll be disappointed. I replied to your post yesterday because I felt like it.
I wish you and everyone well, whatever you decide to do with your life but do keep in mind that I’m not here to be anyone’s personal therapist, though I do appreciate that you admire my intelligence and the feeling is mutual. Also, other people give good advice as well. So no offense and best regards.