Still think about suicide

Hello. I have heard of suicide by cop some argue against it because of I don’t know, maybe, that is “traumatizing” to the police. With personal experience with the police, and endless videos watched on police killing citizens and other violences by cop, I would assume that it is to be not too hard to get a cop to kill you. You’d probably simply have to wave a knife around, and yell at him with a wrath before he pulls his weapon. It will also help if you have a mental diagnosis, because then they can justify the killing as some mental defective was acting psycho so I shot him dead. I also don’t know why I am not allowed to check out. I don’t expect someone to kill me, but I used to “delusionally” expect maybe some acquaintance or stranger might understand my suffering enough to allow me the tools to complete a clean suicide and not look down on me as a lesser human for opting out. I was very young then though, it was when I was 17 and about to turn 18 but too afraid to go in the gun store to buy my own in fear I would be sold out to cop under “suspicion.” I used to fantasize, like drug dealers do things undercover, that I could get someone to deal me a gun, I’d provide the money, they would run into the store, buy the weapon and I’d drop them off the corner by their place. Then I would have to suffer no longer. They could continue their life as normal.

Unfortunately, I was sold out to the cops many many times, I couldn’t even bring myself to attempt to go in the gun store. It seemed like I was always being watched anything I did, like someone always had to comment about me in a negative way in order to get me in trouble. Kind of like law enforcement is a higher power that they believe in. Once, I bought a knife at Walmart and someone I had NEVER even seen or met said it was “probably because I was going to stab somebody or myself.” Then because I was crying in my car they sent the police and I was arrested for the first time. They told the police, direct quote, that “I said I NEEDED to stab someone.” I didn’t say anything to the woman other than look through an ad and ask where I could find the knives. It was a 35$ pocket knife, by the way. As I was arrested, a fat lady sat and stared at me as she divulged in a bag of chips.

I’ve been thinking on and off of providing services to the suicidal. I’ve thought maybe I could be a driver and drive partners together. Or maybe I could help in assisting the suicidal, but right now I am under court mandate that I cannot leave my basement in pursuit of anything, good or evil.

I am disappointed to still be alive. My date to commit was set at August 1, 2012. I was very determined to finish the job. I couldn’t get the gun. I used to study into Physician Assisted Suicide because even though I was 17, I begged and begged that my life would be over. I quickly come to find out even if I needed assisted suicide you have to be old and physically ill within I think 6 months of death, Sometimes I justify my request with, I’m usually always 6 months away from committing, anyhow. because I look at it like an As Soon As Possible deal, but now that I am so far past my suicide day it is very hard.