Life and me…we don’t mix well. And a large part of that is on me. I had to be the one with all this neurotic shit built into the very foundation of his mind. Everyone else seems to do just fine without thinking about it (though maybe some are in denial.) But I had to be the one to get all hung up on what cannot be. So I get to spend years torturing myself over this fucking dumb distortion. My mind is fucking broken, at the deepest emotional level. The thing that feels most meaningful in this world is something that cannot be. And rather than moving on and focusing on something else like any healthy brain would, mine keeps dragging me back, at the dead of night, when I’m too weak and tired to resist anymore.
It’s my fault, no question. The problem’s in me. Buried in my fucking cranium. Computer error. No normal, mentally healthy person would experience this. But the thing is, I can kind of see where this bug came from (though that doesn’t help me fix it.) And given the circumstances of life, a certain tiny proportion of humanity was always going to end up in this fucked up position. Sure, the mentally weak, the hypersensitive, those who fixate. But nobody chooses such traits. They come built into the fucking software, or else get scripted in the early years. My point being, life was always going to seem like some uniquely devised torture for a certain tiny proportion of people. J’accuse you, life!
Obviously, life doesn’t care. It’s an objective, unconscious process, like gravity. But on some level, we feel it should. We feel our deepest psychological longings should be capable of being met. That evolution should not produce emotional drives that are impossible to satisfy. We feel that the game should not be rigged. It’s not fair, dammit! We feel that there should be some uniquely true purpose to this life. That our deepest feelings should somehow guide us toward peace. That our experiences were mandated by some benevolent force.
Well, it seems to me that if this life were bought into being by some creative force, they were asleep at the fucking wheel! Perhaps they just didn’t give a fuck that a certain proportion of people would end up mentally screwed by the process they set in motion? Gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette, right?
Of course, that’s exactly the type of thing a disturbed, twisted individual like myself would think. We need to maintain the belief that all human evil, all suffering, arose ex nihilo, within each individual, completely independent of what came before. Couldn’t possibly allow our perfect universe to be tainted by the idea that some of us were created to suffer. That such bugs were built into the program from the very beginning. What kind of sadistic asshole would allow that? Get tae fuck!
TLDR; Fuck life, fuck God, fuck this world, fuck 2019, & most especially fuck me.
3 comments
I see myself in this post, particularly “hypersensitive,mentally weak and fixate”. I don’t agree with your judgement that your “twisted”, of course I don’t know you but the mental picture I have from your posts is a good guy, it’s the “normies” who are twisted. I also enjoyed the writing style of this post, highly literate!
Ah, well that the point of it being cryptic, all the really twisted details are left out. You’ll just have to take my word for it I’m afraid 😉
‘Normies’ are involved in the process of some becoming twisted, but are by definition free from it themselves. They’re the ones lucky enough to be well-adjusted to the reality we live in, though that often requires other kinds of mental distortions.
Anyway, thanks – it’s nice to know my posts are readable even when I’m having an unnecessarily sweary whinge.
Interesting in the philosophic bent before the mild swears at the end (though what is mild to me, an ex blue collar worker, would definitely shock some.) The question is as always how deep the distortion goes, where is objective reality?
I ask because fuck if I know. There is no reality from where I’m sitting. The closest thing is truth (lower case ‘t’) which manifests as various things that seem persistent. Such as really big obstacles, or on the contrast some really fantastic experiences. Such things are so true that they effect those around me. Absolute reason is rare in the real world, but one of the truly beautiful creations of man.
There being no perfectly ordered reality, any creating being would be purely hypothetical, and their motivations obscure.
I just keep on debugging the code in my head. Yeah, that code was sloppy and written when I understood less about the world, if it was perfect code I wouldn’t be debugging it. (Does perfect code exist? No developer I know will own up one way or another.)