Fear is my constant companion. Not sheer terror, but a background hum of dread and unease. I would distinguish it from anxiety, which manifests in many worries about trivial details of everyday life. This runs deeper, and colors everything I do.
I fear judgement. Being confronted with the things I’ve done, and having to answer for them. For others to see the wretchedness within me.
There are fundamental parts of me that I can recognize are wrong, rationally speaking. That could cause great harm in certain circumstances. And yet they don’t feel wrong, in themselves. Quite the opposite. That’s part of the problem. The guilt and the shame only really kick in afterwards, once the positive feeling has subsided. And the fear. I fear this part of myself. I fear others seeing it.
There is no way to make it ok, or acceptable. And I don’t think there’s a way to reliably change it. I think I’ve tried, to the extent it’s possible to try to let go of something you’re fundamentally attached to. It may fade over time, over the years, with different patterns of life. But for the time being at least, I’m stuck with it.
There are certainly things that I can do to contain it, and I’m fairly confident in doing so. But the fact of it remains. The fundamentally unacceptable nature of it remains. Which leaves me fundamentally unacceptable. And the recognition of this generates constant fear.
A deep part of me demands that I find some way to make it all right. To make myself completely acceptable. To wipe the slate clean. But there is no way to make it ok. What’s done is done. And what’s unacceptable within me remains. I could tear my life down to the foundations and spend the rest of it repenting, and I still don’t think it would save me.
This leads to thoughts of self-destruction. If I cannot be ‘made right’, then I should remove my wrongness from this Earth. But apparently, my fear of death is currently even greater. So here I remain.
So I have to find some way to live with the fear, dread, shame, self-disgust, loneliness, & regret. Of embracing the possibility that at any point the truth may catch up with me, and my life will utterly crumble around me, leaving my wretchedness exposed to all. And I have to do a better job of it than I have so far. I have to find some way of living a worthwhile, meaningful life, so that I don’t give myself even more cause for regret. Living with the constant fear of judgment, and of punishment.
17 comments
Well said Husk. I also understand why you won’t discuss whatever you might’ve done and I fully agree with you, it’s better to keep it to yourself because people will judge no matter how nice and open-minded they are.
A few years ago I discovered some of my own hidden weaknesses and realized how easily I can get myself into trouble if I don’t stay in control. People can give in to certain temptations with the right amount of pressure and I learned I’m not immune to being coerced into things that are detrimental to my life.
Fortunately, I was able to avoid getting myself into hot water partly by luck and partly from willpower but just barely. In the end, I missed out on something that’d be good for me personally, but it was the right thing to do, esp when it comes to dealing with issues in a gray area.
To your post, people aren’t mind-readers, they only know things about you if you tell them, unless you’re a public figure. So there’s no need to worry about people judging you beforehand as they don’t know what you know about yourself.
We’ve all done things we’re not proud of but that’s what it means to be human and to grow, it’s also how we learn by making mistakes and to avoid doing the same in the future.
I agree that people aren’t mind readers, but they are quite often very good at reading body language and silent cues. I find it hard to fake confidence and high self-esteem. I try to make eye contact and smile etc., but I worry that people pick up on subtle cues I give out that I know I’m a bad person, and react accordingly. Though that could just be my social anxiety talking – it’s so hard to tell how you come across to people.
It’s really more about not wanting to spend the rest of my life faking – deceiving people into getting involved with me when if they knew the truth they’d want nothing to do with me. That just seems incredibly lonely, to never have anyone else know what you’re really about, or care about the real you. I just feel like I’ll always be on edge, waiting for the truth to come out.
Yes, everyone does things they’re not proud of, but there are limits. Some things are just ‘beyond the pale.’
Correct, some people can read those cues, mostly if they’re sharp and observant. The average person isn’t too bright and won’t notice unless you are out of the norm and are telegraphing signals. They’ll sense something is off about you but most will simply dismiss it as your character flaws.
Funny you mention that it basically took me a half a lifetime to become the best version of ‘me’ I felt I was on the inside. I’m reminded of how my insecurities in my teen years were entirely overwhelming and not something I could easily hide with others. I had very little reason to feel self-confident, not because of anything I did (though I did make some blunders) but because I was from a low-income family and never felt attractive.
Finally by my early 20s, I began to realize there’s almost nothing I could do improving my appearance or how I felt about it, apart from exercise (which made a big difference) and the only other option was suicide. I decided to keep going because I realized that I liked life a lot despite all the hardships I’ve had to go through. As for money, I focused on what I thought would lead me to a lucrative career. It was the right decision at the time but other issues in my life derailed my plans.
It took me years to learn to look past my own shortcomings. Mind you prior to that, by the age of 10 I was very confident, outgoing and well-liked by most of my peers. I think hitting the teens is a very profound and formative experience in one’s life.
I just wish I was much smarter about my situation back then and came to the realizations I did a lot sooner. I was always very book smart, but not so much when it came to how I saw myself and dealing in social situations, that took much longer. Then again being stuck in my circumstances, it was hard for me to be anything else or think outside my little box.
You’re not ‘faking’ or deceiving anyone. You seem to think people have a right to know about every ugly little detail about you and your life and that is definitely not the case. That’s also how you got yourself into this trap. Since you made some mistakes, feel bad about them (as anyone normal person would), but then you go a step further and think others expect you to be a perfect little angel or you’re not worthy of their time or friendship.
At least you’re able to see that whatever you did in your past was wrong. You’re remorseful about it and I’m assuming you’ve learned from that experience and became a better person. There are people out there who prey on and harm others, they feel no regret. They’re the real monsters, not you because you can differentiate between good and bad behavior.
So I think it’s time you stop punishing yourself, re-join the fold of regular humans and just live your life as we all do. Our existence is finite, so you can’t squander it all being stuck like a broken elevator on some bad events in your life. Whatever it happened, it’s time to bury it now. None of us are without flaws or blemishes, so don’t hold yourself to an impossible standard.
I’m in my mid-40s and many of my best years were squandered. Had I maybe listened to friends/family perhaps I would’ve lived a better life than I have right now. I’ve been chasing my own dreams and expected to reach the top. But my goal has always been a longshot and I lost out on so much, esp my youth while chasing this vision I have.
However my goal has always been grounded in reality. Meaning that I know how to achieve real results and if I don’t get there, then I am open to other alternatives. But if I do succeed then it’ll put me on the standing I always wanted to be and felt I deserved. Hopefully later this year I’ll have my answer either way and will adjust my life accordingly. Best of luck to you also.
Yes, I think a lot of people sense something is ‘off’ about me, which makes it harder to socialize. Though again, that could partly just be my social anxiety misreading people’s reactions to me. Once that stuff is in your head it’s so hard to not get caught up in it. I was already extremely introverted and socially anxious by the age of 10, and very few of my peers seemed to like me (maybe because I was better in school I gave off the vibe that I thought I was superior or something.) It only got worse over my teen years and early 20s.
I don’t think people have a right to know about ‘every little ugly detail’, but I do think people who are emotionally invested in me have a right to know the really significant stuff – things that would make them want to disown me if they knew. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell anyone that stuff. And that does feel deceptive, and lonely.
It’s really not about being a ‘perfect little angel’. There are plenty of shameful mistakes I’ve made that I could easily relate to someone who really cared about me. But some things are so devastating that they completely change the way you see someone.
I wouldn’t say I was properly remorseful. I can recognize that something’s wrong, and still have a large part of me very much want to do it again. For the last year or so the balance has more or less held, and I have measures in place to stop me slipping up too badly, or doing anything worse. But there are moments when I really, really want to. And that scares and depresses me. Because the unacceptable part of me hasn’t gone away. It’s just chained up for the time being. I haven’t really learned that much, and I wouldn’t say I’m really a better person. I couldn’t honestly tell someone that I know I’d never do it again. My shittiness is just slightly more under control than in the past.
I think the number of ‘true psychopaths’ who feel no regret is relatively low. There’s a lot more bad people who simply overwhelm their regret with mental distortion and compulsive behavior. It doesn’t hit them until they’re forced to stop and think about it.
The only way I’m really punishing myself is with fear. And I don’t know how to stop doing that. It seems a natural reaction to the realization that you’re strayed far beyond all acceptable social bounds. There are daily triggers reminding me of that fact. If I could just switch it off I would. If I could resolutely bury it and leave it in the past, and never give it another thought, then I would. But I don’t know how. I’ll try to keep going despite that, but it’s difficult to function with.
I’m not holding myself to an impossible standard, just the basic minimum of social decency (I fail.)
It’s great that you have a clear route to your goals, even if you might fail. I’m going to try and develop tangible paths to a better life for myself, but the things I really want (emotional connection, peace of mind etc.) seem impossible for me now. Hope it works out for you.
Like you I also think a lot about my past, the stupid mistakes I’ve made and so forth. I don’t really think I could get rid of my own triggers either since I sometimes reflect on my life and at this age, I don’t really want to forget much since I have a lot of memories which keep me on the right path.
What I know will make me forget the negative triggers is being involved with someone I like and doing things I enjoy in life. I’m not at that stage yet but that’ll help to make up for the bs I’ve had to deal with in my past.
You mentioned that you felt people had a right to know. I’ve done things that I’ve never told anyone and I noticed that when you do, the reaction is rarely what you hope. It’s the same reaction you knew you’d get and then you realize you’re better off just not telling anyone deep, dark stuff.
Like you I do prefer to be open with those closest to me but it’s just better not to. If you can be at peace with yourself keeping your secrets hidden then I think you’ll be able to build the relationships you want.
Do keep in mind other people have their own secrets they don’t want getting out so most of us are in the same boat. Sometimes it’s not even our ideas holding us back, it could be hormones or emotions causing us to feel a certain way and then we try to make sense of it.
Thanks and likewise I truly hope you’re able to find that peace of mind that you seek. Yes in my case I’ll do the best I can to sort out my situation. I’ve let things go for too long so hopefully I’ll work it out soon.
I wish I believed that being with someone I really liked or doing something I really enjoy would make me forget. I feel like it’ll still be there in the background, holding me back from the moment. But I may as well try, and see if I can lose it for a while.
I do think it’s something I should tell people, morally speaking, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to risk it. I know the reaction would be devastation, betrayal, anger, disgust, and rejection. But it is something I should do. It’s something people would feel deeply deceived not to be told, should the truth ever come out. So the thought of not doing so induces guilt.
There’s also this stubborn part of me that clings to the fantasy of having someone who really understands me, who I don’t have to hide my true self from. The thought of having to constantly keep up a facade of decency in a relationship kind of robs it of any deeper meaning. But maybe I will figure out some way.
Maybe I’ll figure out some way to be at peace with all my shit, but I can’t see a path.
Everyone does have secrets, but some are darker than others. Some things just utterly destroy any trust you have in a person’s character, though I can’t really explain without going into specifics. It’s just not the same boat – it’s much smaller, packed with truly awful people, and rapidly sinking. But I may as well try swimming for land.
That’s up to you. Well the advantage of doing it online is that you can see the reaction, change your name if you wanted to, esp if you’re behind a VPN and no one would be the wiser.
If you do it irl then news about your would probably spread to your circle and ofc there’s no anonymity at that point.
At this point, I have no idea what it could be so my advice is just a scatter-shot. If I knew what it was specifically I might have a more focused answer.
For example, if you were a transsexual, then I’d say ethically people you date have a right to know upfront that you used to be a man or woman because they have the wrong impression of you if you’re not honest with them.
If you used to be a wife-beater for example then yes the girl you get involved with probably should know for her own safety. As you can see each situation has its own answer and without knowing any details you’re only going to get general responses.
Only you know best, yes it’d probably be a big relief to get it off your chest and tell someone you trust about what you did and to have that person accept you as you are. That’s why I was saying if you did it here then at least you could test the waters.
One time I talked about an actual event in my life here, but I changed the identities and the situation a bit to make it more ‘mainstream.’ Since I was in the midst of it and needed some feedback and it was well received.
So there’s no harm in testing it here, you could also ‘water-down’ the original story, just takes a little creativity.
I’ve tried talking about it online before, and it didn’t help. People were sympathetic, but I was left in no doubt that it was utterly unacceptable.
I don’t think I could ever do it in real life (except to a therapist.) I don’t think I could ever take that risk. But it is that level of seriousness – giving people the wrong impression about who I am as a person. So it’s unethical if don’t tell them. Which makes me conflicted about getting involved with anyone at all. I don’t know how to resolve that in my mind.
Fair enough, then you’re simply going to have to ‘chance it’ until you find someone that will accept you for who you are despite your past. Discussing it with a therapist is probably a great first step and he or she could probably advise you better once they know of your situation.
I agree with you there are certain things one should be upfront about with others like the examples I mentioned. Same goes for STI’s, in that case, they definitely have a right to know and I believe it’s criminal in some states not to disclose that info.
So if it’s something like that I can understand how it could lead to a situation like the one you’re in. Oh I know there are things that are a lot worse than that but I’m sure we know and I won’t mention it here since there wouldn’t be any point. I wish you well whatever you decide to do.
Yeah, I really don’t think the person exists who can accept it, especially given that that part of me is still present. I have discussed it with therapists but it didn’t change anything, or give me any hope that I’d ever find someone who’d really be ok with it.
But thanks anyway.
As for lack of self esteem and artificial confidence, the toll maintaining their facade is tiring.
One thing I am learning – as I recognize my limitations, it is apparent that the chaff, so to speak, is being blown away. As I learn what I can and cannot do, what I am and am not capable of, all that is left is what matters to me. It’s as though the only person that I can be is being drawn to the forefront.
What the hell am I trying to say?
“I have to find some way of living a worthwhile, meaningful life, so that I don’t give myself even more cause for regret.”
That in all of your indecision and frustration, that which you don’t need, which is irrelevant to what you ultimately need to be and wish to be, is possibly being removed from the equation, and the diamond you are looking for amidst all the dark coal may one day reveal itself to you in a way that you didn’t or couldn’t expect, provided you can continue searching for your way.
It may not be what you expected, but if you search yourself and learn yourself, you will see flashes of a reason to exist. Small, barely distinguishable glimpses, but they’re there. It’s all the chaff, the garbage, the crap of life and subconscious that distort our ability to see them.
Who am I, Dr. Phil? Ha!
Keep searching, if you can.
Yes, the toll of maintaining such a facade does seem exhausting. But I guess I have to try to find some way of doing it better, or disconnecting from my fears when it comes to social interactions.
I don’t think there’s any diamond in here. God knows I’ve spent years digging. It’s all coal, and mud, and toxic nuclear waste. My motivations, such as they are, seem frustratingly complicated or down right impossible to fulfill. But if I have to climb in a certain direction it may as well be toward those impossibly distant stars.
Almost felt less like a post and more like poetry. I do not myself fear dying, I’m actually really stoked for when the day comes. I’ve always wanted to die young so all I’ve got is my own enthusiasm. I have some fear though, I fear other people. I fear my waking life. I fear the potential of failing suicide. I do believe the worst has already happened, and nothing much more could happen that would ignite my fear.
I suppose it’s good if you’re not conflicted about wanting to die, though I’m sorry if there’s not enough for you in this life for you to not fear it’s loss.
I also fear other people, though I imagine for different reasons. The idea of a failed suicide is worrying. If I ever do decide to attempt I will try to go with a secure means, but I don’t know if you can ever be sure no matter how much you prepare. I hope the future is an improvement for you, regardless of what it contains.
No, there is not only “not enough in this life to fear it’s loss” there is nothing at all, the sooner I get out the better….
If there ever was anything at all, it was probably something terrible.
Then again, I’ve been trying to commit suicide for 13 years….. I have just stumbled upon a method that didn’t cost a fortune and promised not to be painful.
It’s gotten a lot worse the last 2 years, but it has always been very very horrendous.
I say I’m excited because despite hoping to kill myself for 13 years, I finally have a way to and now I can get out soon!!
Please celebrate for me when I die.
I think you commit two mistakes in your thinking about this:
1) That having done something wrong, or enjoying actions you later feel ashamed of makes you a fundamentally bad person. There’s a lot of socialization that goes into crafting a healthy adult. E.g. children have to be taught not to be violent towards others. It’s not like some people just pop out of their mother all perfect and complete. Life entails a lot of adapting and sanding down your sharp edges, etc.
2) That fear is best dealt with by avoiding its source. The opposite is true. If you feel fear that is holding you back from something you want to achieve, the best way to reduce that fear is repeated exposure. Just like a drug addict becomes accustomed to the drug and thus requires a higher and higher dose to achieve the same effect, you must expose yourself to what you fear in order to reduce its effect on you.
My impression is that you enjoy something you consider socially unacceptable. Maybe it is indeed something society deems socially unacceptable. But if you engage in it anyway, hiding that fact from the world does not ennoble you. Granted, this may be something you do because you fear for your safety if you were found out. But usually, even with the most socially unacceptable behaviors, in free societies, there are people who will listen without condemning you, people who will keep your secret if you so desire.
It might be an idea to seek out one of these people (e.g. a therapist) and open up about your dark secret. So that you aren’t all alone in dealing with it. Dealing with it may entail developing a new acceptance of it, and the appreciation that it was NOT socially unacceptable, but rather it was something YOU found it hard to accept in yourself. Or maybe it IS socially unacceptable to the degree that it’s not worth it for you to keep engaging in the behavior. In that case too, it may prove valuable to have someone to help you change your behavior, which is something we all have to do all the time, because, unfortunately, our raw id is not fit for social living.
Best of luck
I’ve tried talking to a couple of therapists about it. It didn’t really change anything. Though they were respectful and understanding, it very much reinforced what I already knew, that it was both socially and morally unacceptable.
While I’m generally of the view now that it’s not worth engaging n the behavior in the future, and have mechanisms in place to inhibit me, I wasn’t able to change the part of me that wants to do so. And even if I had been able to, it wouldn’t change the social unacceptability of my past. The judgement on it doesn’t change regardless of whether it’s past behavior or ongoing.