It’s been exactly a year now since I last posted to this website, which is sort of weird. I like the format of it, so I desperately looked for it and finally found it!
For some BG information (if it’s helpful I guess lol ig it helps me!), I’m 16 (17 in April) and FTM but not at all out to most people close to me in my life, especially including close family. I have a history of self-harming since I was about 12 years old, and my parents became aware of it 1-2 years ago. I have stopped as of now but have relapsed a few times (not recent, but urges are sometimes present). I had an instance of CSA with a close family member, which is one of the things I feel like has been an underlying factor in me being how I am now, although it wasn’t much of an instance of sexual abuse so I feel like it’s more dramatic of me to mention than anything.
Both sides of my family also have a history of mental illness; I have never been to a prof. counselor but I’ve talked to my school counselor sometimes. I feel that I should again soon, but last time I thought would be the last as my counselor emailed my mom. I don’t think she ever saw the email, so I have awkwardly remained silent about it and nothing’s happened since.
Anyways, to the main point – I’m in pretty great need of some sort of counseling, but my mom especially is not understanding of it. She doesn’t think I need it that much. However, lately I think I’ve been worse and better at the same time.
I made a promise to my boyfriend (he lives 2 states away, we have met several times irl) some time ago to not drink in any circumstances, but I’ve broken it several times. Since yesterday I was pressured into it by some family + friends, but I could have denied it so it’s all on me. I just like to try and take the blame less. As a result my bf has proposed we don’t talk much at all this week, which I think is a good idea so we can focus on ourselves. I feel bad for worrying him so much and saying I’d not do something only to do it anyways multiple times.
As of now I’m debating on if I should bring something up to my parents or try to talk to my counselor again (kinda awkward…). My school life is going okay, so I think I’ll try to focus on that more as well and try to talk to my friends a lot more. I can’t really think of anything else for now, except for that my appetite has been a lot worse today. Reasonably, I view this as a bad thing, but in other cases it’s good. I have been trying to lose weight, and I have, but it’s been very slow as I give in to some foods. I think in relation to this it goes to show how hard I have been on my bf. I don’t remember why I was so stressed one time, I think he was unhappy with me or I was under that impression. So after I ate more than I would have liked, I made myself throw up. I haven’t done it again since but I am really just concerned for some of my behavior in times of stress. I feel like the only person I can reach out to is my boyfriend, which in turn causes him more stress.
I think if anything I need to get my impulses under control. Very badly. I need to stop losing motivation and ignore the feeling that I’m just going to fail no matter what and that I’ll be lost for the longest time. Or that I won’ be accepted for my identity, or whatever – even if I’m not, it does comfort me that it’s my own life. But it’s so scary at the same time. These things try to encourage me when I’m even a little suicidal, but I guess they haven’t done me in yet.
I think it’s at least good for me to say things like this if I’m not going to get other help, so for now I hope this suffices and that I don’t sound too selfish or anything. Thanks if you read this all, for whatever reason. I hope whatever’s going on with everyone’s life will end up okay. I am going to try to find things to distract me from all these negative feelings I surround myself with.
4 comments
Hey. I’d like to check in on your post. I am older but there are some similarities here but some big differences. I never self harmed much until recently (I started by slamming my head on concrete walls) I am 24 (I guess) now. I’ve been trying to commit suicide since 12, but I didn’t know how to do I decided when I turned 18 it would be legal for me to buy a gun and blow off my head (is there really no other way to get out of a terrible life?) I turned 18 August 2012 so that was when I was really really looking forward to ending my life. I have a little bit of CSA, so I always hoped to grow up and get the f*ck away whether that be by suicide or not. I have a lot of sexual abuse as of recent but I have no idea why. Oh I almost forgot to add I am pretty much FTM also. I started dressing in men clothes about 16 and cut off my long locks around 18, so now strangers think I am “male” I tried for 5 years to be able to afford a gun I couldn’t get a job and even though it was only 300$ I could not get enough money. All in all, I’d never willingly stay alive and I’d kill myself at any chance I could get. I’m only alive against my will. But mostly I just couldn’t afford it. Yeah there has been interferences and always disturbing but it’s mostly because I can’t afford a gun. Disgustingly, they gave me up to counselors again and again and now I can never feel ok. Now I’m 24 and they’ve given me up to the police which delayed my suicide I’ve been under police control for 2.5 years. I am finally getting out of police custody and hope to commit very shortly
Have the counselors not helped you at all to feel any worth in anything? I know it sounds silly with the mindset you have right now, but I hope you’ll find some kind of thing to find value in. Either way I wish the best for you, I hope by reading my post you at least know that people have similar experiences so for me at least… it makes me feel less lonesome and doomed to live in this world? I’m sorry you’ve had to go through these things and feel so desperate for an escape, and for such a lack of money to stand in the way of things. But I think if you stick with things, eventually, things will be worthwhile. That’s what I’m telling myself too, anyways. I think that maybe if things are bad it’s not the end. Even if it sounds cheesy. I hope my reply’s not silly but I really wish the best for you.
No mostly the counseling left me feeling very very much worse. If you think it helps, that is good! That means you still have the strength to carry on. Just keep an eye out that they are not trying to take advantage of you. At such a young age, that is when people are most impressionable, so what seems innocent enough in a few years could make you scratch your head and leave a mental scar.
I’m totally pro-suicide so I don’t expect anything will ever get better.. I take it like it is, things will always stay the same..