Long rant,

  January 21st, 2019 by c-ta

It’s been exactly a year now since I last posted to this website, which is sort of weird. I like the format of it, so I desperately looked for it and finally found it!

For some BG information (if it’s helpful I guess lol ig it helps me!), I’m 16 (17 in April) and FTM but not at all out to most people close to me in my life, especially including close family. I have a history of self-harming since I was about 12 years old, and my parents became aware of it 1-2 years ago. I have stopped as of now but have relapsed a few times (not recent, but urges are sometimes present). I had an instance of CSA with a close family member, which is one of the things I feel like has been an underlying factor in me being how I am now, although it wasn’t much of an instance of sexual abuse so I feel like it’s more dramatic of me to mention than anything.
Both sides of my family also have a history of mental illness; I have never been to a prof. counselor but I’ve talked to my school counselor sometimes. I feel that I should again soon, but last time I thought would be the last as my counselor emailed my mom. I don’t think she ever saw the email, so I have awkwardly remained silent about it and nothing’s happened since.

Anyways, to the main point – I’m in pretty great need of some sort of counseling, but my mom especially is not understanding of it. She doesn’t think I need it that much. However, lately I think I’ve been worse and better at the same time.

I made a promise to my boyfriend (he lives 2 states away, we have met several times irl) some time ago to not drink in any circumstances, but I’ve broken it several times. Since yesterday I was pressured into it by some family + friends, but I could have denied it so it’s all on me. I just like to try and take the blame less. As a result my bf has proposed we don’t talk much at all this week, which I think is a good idea so we can focus on ourselves. I feel bad for worrying him so much and saying I’d not do something only to do it anyways multiple times.

As of now I’m debating on if I should bring something up to my parents or try to talk to my counselor again (kinda awkward…). My school life is going okay, so I think I’ll try to focus on that more as well and try to talk to my friends a lot more. I can’t really think of anything else for now, except for that my appetite has been a lot worse today. Reasonably, I view this as a bad thing, but in other cases it’s good. I have been trying to lose weight, and I have, but it’s been very slow as I give in to some foods. I think in relation to this it goes to show how hard I have been on my bf. I don’t remember why I was so stressed one time, I think he was unhappy with me or I was under that impression. So after I ate more than I would have liked, I made myself throw up. I haven’t done it again since but I am really just concerned for some of my behavior in times of stress. I feel like the only person I can reach out to is my boyfriend, which in turn causes him more stress.

I think if anything I need to get my impulses under control. Very badly. I need to stop losing motivation and ignore the feeling that I’m just going to fail no matter what and that I’ll be lost for the longest time. Or that I won’ be accepted for my identity, or whatever – even if I’m not, it does comfort me that it’s my own life. But it’s so scary at the same time. These things try to encourage me when I’m even a little suicidal, but I guess they haven’t done me in yet.

I think it’s at least good for me to say things like this if I’m not going to get other help, so for now I hope this suffices and that I don’t sound too selfish or anything. Thanks if you read this all, for whatever reason. I hope whatever’s going on with everyone’s life will end up okay. I am going to try to find things to distract me from all these negative feelings I surround myself with.

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