It’s so funny, the way the mind gets caught up on things that are so clearly terrible for it. How some of us just get stuck. And everyone we talk to about it just wants to scream at us ‘GET THE FUCK OVER IT!’ And we know they’re right! We know it’s maladaptive, it’s pointless. We can recognize, rationally, that this is doing us no good. But no matter how hard we try to reason with ourselves, to attempt to focus on doing something constructive, on moving forward, something in us just keeps wrenching us back.
It’s about meaning. I can know something is no good for me, rationally. I can understand that thinking about it will only lead to more suffering. That nothing good can come from it. But something in me rebels, snaps back, resists. It insists on the impossible, the unhealthy, the dangerous. It’s demands that I pick at the same old emotional scab. Because it somehow feels good, even when it feel awful. It feels meaningful, important. It feels right. It feels like what I’m meant to be doing. And everything else feels somehow empty, however healthy and productive and goal orientated.
Emotion is not rational. Meaning and significance are not rational. And it’s so incredibly funny how some brains can get caught up, trapped in webs of past meaning, tormenting themselves. It could be characterized as mental illness, or stubbornness. The refusal of a brain to detach from past meanings, to let go, where it is clearly preferable to do so. To insist that ‘they were the one’, or ‘I want to go back.’ There’s no ‘the one’. There’s no going back. The past is past. What’s dead is dead. And we know this, rationally. But part of the mind rebels.
Perhaps in the future, some method will be found to force broken brains to let go of their unhealthy attachments. Or perhaps we’ll find some way to pass on our unhappiness to artificial intelligences, so that they can sit in states of wistful melancholy for the rest of time, clinging to meanings that can’t ever be fulfilled.
But it’s just so…absurd. You have a species of highly intelligent ape, evolved to adapt to almost every condition on earth, with so many instincts to survive. And then somehow, due to the incredible complexities of society and the brain that interacts with it, some percentage of these apes manage to tie themselves in complete knots mentally, to the extent that it greatly threatens their survival prospects. Who would write such a comedy?
14 comments
I like your post! How you speak of knowing what’s good for you but still ending doing the damaging, unhealthy thing instead. How we prefer to stay in our past and continue our bad habits just because however wrong it feels, it seems awkwardly comfortable. I don’t think someone or something “wrote” humanity. Maybe depressive people are an evolution consequence of nature desperately trying to regulate human’s exponential population growth. Or maybe we re the leftovers of a system that need to break some people to be able to function for most of them. In any case all we can do is trying not to destroy ourselves too much and try to care about the ones we love and trust them somehow, because we are a social specie and that’s the only way to survive.
Thank you.
Sensational writing from you as always. I also fixate on the past as if it’s a viable option, I’ve been doing it for years so it’s become habitual.
Thanks. A part of me honestly feels like I should be looking for ways to travel back in time – as if that were a real possibility! Like I’m somehow going to be able to master the laws of physics, and zap myself back to a time when I was happier. It’s ridiculous, but that longing is so strong.
I soo get what you’re saying, and I’m resisting the temptation to go into a 6-page dissertation on the illusion of free will.
To sum up: by the time we reach adulthood, we each have our core programming (whether due to DNA or life’s experiences). We like to think we’re smarter as we age, but the opposite happens. We become more constrained, more bound to our programming in the form of fear, morality, faith, call it what you will. We are no longer a blank slate with true freedom.
Example: your building catches fire. A puppy is crying in the apartment above you. You can either head straight for the fire escape and save yourself, or you can take your chances and go for the puppy first. You think the answer is a choice, but I guarantee you, every adult (past, let’s say the arbitrary age of 25 when they say the brain stops forming new neural connections) has only one response to that dilemma, and given 10000 opportunities they will always pick the same route.
Back to what you so beautifully said, there are certain “loops” in our programming, irrational blocks, faulty subroutines such as being hung up on an old ex whom you know was no good for you, that we simply can’t break out of. Our programming is damn near set in stone. I say “damn near” because I still see that through intense work I can break myself of a habit, phobia or quirk. But it takes a lot of work and it gets harder & harder.
Some people are past hope (i.e. that crusty old racist grandpa who proudly says he’s too old to change). But I’d like to think that some of us can reprogram ourselves. Tbh that belief is the only reason why I’m still alive today.
The subject of free will is a personal obsession of mine, though I find it incredibly hard to talk about coherently, particularly as people have different ideas of what it means.
Yes, cognitive flexibility is definitely reduced by the time we reach adulthood, as unused synapses get pruned down etc. We become more ‘set in our ways.’ However, I’m not sure we were ever a ‘blank slate’, or had ‘true freedom’. I think we’re born with certain dispositions, and the way those develop in our brains is dependent on our interactions with our environment. I don’t think we were ever free to be other than we were.
In your example, everyone under the age of 25 also has only one answer. Given the same circumstances and the same brain states, they will also always pick the same route. Now you might be able to get a different result with smaller variations to the conditions than with an older person – young people being more impulsive, fluid, less predictable – but the basic predicament (of your situation having only one possible outcome) – remains the same.
I agree that habits can still be broken – that the brain of an older person, while less flexible, is still constantly changing in small ways. But I also think the ability to change those habits – to ‘reprogram ourselves’ is itself dependent on the brain that’s trying to do the reprogramming. It may be that, though you invest a lot of work, your brain is resistant to such efforts. Or you may not possess the capacity to consistently invest such effort. Or the ability to do it in the right way.
I suppose all we can do is try. Or try to try. Or pretend to ourselves that we’re trying. Or tell ourselves that we’ll try at some point in the future. Or sit and wallow in our dysfunction. And which of those we’ll choose is dependent upon the state of our brains going forward.
Oh man, now you’re really talking my lingo. Good to see we share the same obsession.
*rolls up sleeves*
Yes I agree, the programming is already present at birth. In fact something I’ve noticed with myself and others I’ve known for a long time is that nobody really deviates far from who they were as a kid. Appearances and circumstances may change, but our default reactions will follow the same patterns we exhibited at childhood.
But here’s a real mindfudge for ya… bouncing off what you said:
“But I also think the ability to change those habits — to ‘reprogram ourselves’ is itself dependent on the brain that’s doing the reprogramming.”
Exactly. I firmly believe that amongst us are rare individuals who have the ability to reprogram themselves. Very rare individuals, as I don’t think I’ve ever encountered one, and as much as I wish I could claim to be, I’m falling shy of having this super power. But they exist.
The angry juvenile delinquent who does a 180 and becomes a Buddhist monk. Or the opposite: the pious Christian who abandons faith and turns to absolute immorality. Some of us have that mental flexibility, just as some early lifeforms could cross over from fish to amphibians and ultimately land dwellers.
But then you might say that this ability to cross over was programmed. And you’d have a point. Hence the reason why fatalism is such an irresoluble point.
My gut feeling is that it’s all mapped out. The more you think of concepts like “free will” and “randomness” and even “chaos”, the more you realize that these are just convenient explanations for things we haven’t figured out yet. A star explodes, sending particles all over the place. That’s not chaos; that’s a highly predictable event, and if you had a cosmic supercomputer, you could predict exactly what trajectory each “random” particle would take.
And so I keep returning to the thought: if everything in the universe is so highly predictable through the laws of gravity & force & whatnot, then isn’t it likely that “consciousness” itself is a highly predictable quantity? And a cosmic supercomputer could analyze your programming and predict every decision you’ll ever make?
I’m not sure, but I think that thought is pretty fkking depressing.
I think a lot of people retain some degree of ability to reprogram themselves – to let go of unhelpful attachments, move on after bereavement, adapt to what their social situation demands. They’ll believe one thing until it starts to hinder them, then drop it. I think most people do it unconsciously. As you say, the ability to just completely flip on a dime is rare, and it does seem to lessen as people age. But again, the capacity seems to be dependent on the physically molded brain.
I think perhaps I’m past the point of finding such thoughts depressing, though I definitely did for a while. At times I even feel it’s a little bit liberating (ironically), if I can think about it clearly. I’ll decide what I decide, based on what’s inside my cranium at each point in time. The feeling that I should have done otherwise is simply feedback for future decisions, rather than a real capacity that I failed to exercise. Everything is connected, no decision is isolated, and ultimately it all depends on the character of this universe as a whole. All is one. What will be will be.
The significant point for me is, even if there is some degree of ‘quantum randomness’ in the whole process, that’s not something we’re in control of – it’s something we’re impacted by. So you might not be able to predict the outcome, and there might really be some sense in which reality could actually have rolled out differently, and yet we would have no more freedom to determine the outcome than if everything were absolutely set in stone.
I just wish I could emotionally integrate all that, rather than just rationally believing it. My fear tells me ‘you really could have done it differently, and you should have done it differently, and in future you really might decide on any number of different courses entirely disconnected from what’s going on in your brain.’
“At times I even feel it’s a little bit liberating (ironically), if I can think about it clearly. I’ll decide what I decide, based on what’s inside my cranium at each point in time. The feeling that I should have done otherwise is simply feedback for future decisions, rather than a real capacity that I failed to exercise.”
That’s a really good way of thinking about it. Especially if you are comfortable with your overall decision making process, you don’t have to sweat the decisions too much because you can have faith that your program will pick what it’s supposed to pick.
Along those lines, I like to remind myself that despite many unwise choices I’ve made, I’ve never made a *bad* choice, if that makes any sense. In other words, regardless of disastrous outcomes, I stand by the decisions I’ve made in life.
But like you said, that sounds good to the logical side of our brains, whereas the emotional side is constantly beating us up for our misfortunes and refusing to let us “drop it”.
Off the top of my head I can list a dozen things that eat me up on a daily basis, preventing me from moving forward even though these events are long gone. I don’t even know if you’d call it regret. It’s just like you said, an unhealthy attachment to the impossible.
Sometimes I think drugs (prescription, otc, recreational) can help with that. Hell, even a tall margarita can ease the nerves and break you out of an anxiety cycle. I guess we do what we can.
Yes, drugs do seem to play a role in loosening/disrupting attachments to certain ways of thinking. A part of me thinks I should really try experimenting with certain mind expanding substances as a way of trying to break myself out of the loops of thought I’m stuck in. But I’m also terrified of losing control, or having a really hellish trip, or buying something that’s been cut with rat poison or something.
In a few weeks I’ll be eligible for senior discounts at a few retail stores. 55. In the past few years, the need to solve everything, to understand everything, has greatly diminished. I’m left with this feeling of resigned contentment, shadowed closely by the understanding that when a few commitments are satisfied, I’ll have nothing left to stick around for, and will decide what to do then. But for the time being, life just is what it is. (For me.) Its just. . . this. It’s just who I am, what I do, what I’m capable of, what I’m not capable of. . .and fuck trying to find the reasons and answers. It’s very nice, actually, no longer needing to seek out the “meanings”, something I’ve spent frustrating decades doing – with very little luck.
My point is, this older persons brain is definitely much less flexible. And still changing, in small ways. But damn, it’s nice to just be able to sit here and shrug my shoulders and say “Whatever. It is what it is, and the sun is shining, I’m above ground, and what else do I need?” after so much time spent demanding answers from a universe and a god that is just. . . frustratingly silent.
I’m not gloating, or trying to be sarcastic, you just made me think. . . the older my brain becomes, the more rigid it’s thought processes become. Yet it’s adapting to this process by throwing caution to the wind and just enjoying right now, without all the confusion it’s known for so long. Giving up the search for answers, because it’s more entertaining to pet my cats.
I don’t know if that makes sense. Thing is, I don’t care if it does or doesnt, because the suns shining today, I just started a new job, and well. . . that works. (For me.)
I guess that sounds like a good place to be, though it also scares me somewhat. The idea of letting go of the drive to find reasons and meanings, and just being…I suppose I’m just not at a stage where I can accept that yet. To be able to just say…”Whatever”, and accept it – I just don’t think it’s in me yet. But maybe I’ll get there at some point.
Hope your new job goes well.
I love to be screamed at by people 😉
GET THE FUCK OVER IT. NOW YOU F*CKING B*TCH
Lol
Been lookin’ for this post. I agree so much!