new

for the last few weeks, my relationship with sleep has been rocky. I will fall asleep around 11, maybe midnight, and then wake up around 2 and not be able to fall asleep for the rest of the night/morning. some times I am lucky and my eyelids get heavy around 6:30 or 7. but my alarm is set for 7:55, so even if I do allow myself to drift off, it won’t be for long.

this has happened before but not for longer than a week or so. at this point I have just grown very irritated and exhausted. something new though, is my now strained relationship with food. for the past week I seemingly “forget” to eat most days, and others I only sneak in small servings of fruit or nuts. little things you don’t really think of or feel at the end of the day. the smell of hot food makes me feel sick, and putting anything other than grapes, or almonds, or sliced bananas, or peanut butter in my mouth makes it feel like my throat is closing up and I feel a sense of fear. I’m not sure what’s happening here. I recently quit smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol and I thought I was going in the right direction for my body. I think I’m just a failure at everything.

I’m sorry for such a long post, for not checking in more, and for being so damn negative lately. I hope y’all are doing well.