Late high school, maybe first year of college. Life was amazing. I wasn’t rich or successful but more important, I had so much hope for the future… like I couldn’t wait to see what the world had to offer.
That’s a hard question to answer because my depression was off and on a lot throughout my life. Though proably back in the end of 2018 around December getting to spend Christmas with an ex. Of course, that all went dark too. Everytime I had something good in life, it went sour soon after.
Oh boy, it’s quite the story; The year or two after I dropped out of high school/got my GED were at least above average good. I didn’t need any psychiatric meds the whole time, was living on my own for the first time (which is still one of the best things in my life), and I legit believed that if I worked hard and was smart I could make it in the rat race.
Then 2009 happened. It was two years of hell lasting until late 2010. Then it took me another two years to crawl out of that hole. I guess it was happy, it wasn’t miserable.
Then about 2012 -2016 was solidly awesome. Good jobs, time for hobbies, felt good about myself…. The main two things during this time were the jobs. First for several years I worked at a mental health hospital, which was as close to heaven as a job can get. I grew up going camping with the guys, that was the kind of 9-5 I had. Only it wasn’t 9-5, it was 3-11, and it was four days of the week, Friday to Monday. That meant the middle of my week was relatively free of administration, so I was mostly on my own as far as what I wanted to do.
I’m not going to get into the three month funk after that, since I rolled it off. I found a job inspecting gas meters and it was also absolutely amazing. I got a company car, decent pay, and I spent 35 of my 40 hours alone walking around outside. The remaining five hours was meetings and administrative stuff. Then the company I worked for lost our contract, and I got so sick I ended up in the hospital.
So halfway through 2016 to halfway through the end of 2017 was miserable. In fall 2017 I went back to school, and had success. I finished my associates (the entirety of which was a slog), and January 2018 I arrived at university.
What followed was the most successful two years of my life. I kept a damn 3.9 GPA, served as an officer of the psychology club, and got a job as a research assistant working on intergenerational trauma. Lots of friends, and it seemed like I could not lose… I got sponsored to go to a national conference and present my research, still the high point of my life.
This is the time I know the most clearly what went wrong. I didn’t get into grad school, and I graduated into the worst economy in a decade.
2020 – present has been….. depressing. I worked a bunch of jobs that didn’t take. My health went downhill.
ah but it’s good to think about those good years. I realize now that I was innocent and easy to trick. While my present isn’t great, I don’t anticipate ever being hurt like I did preceding each of my major life crisis situations. I’ll never trust people with authority over me to that level again. I’ve had the metaphorical sand kicked in my face for the last time.
For so many years I thought I was the problem, but when I look back I see that I was successful when my job allowed me to be. I did just fine when I had supportive people around me. The problem is that where I live is toxic to those kind of people. Smart, kind people find work somewhere else.
Not that location is the only factor, just the leading one. Where I live now is a quasi 3rd world country where dreams go to die. The majority of people I meet who moved here were running away from something in a more economically successful state, be it the law, abuse, etc. So imagine that for a minute; a state full of marginalized and mentally ill people.
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Late high school, maybe first year of college. Life was amazing. I wasn’t rich or successful but more important, I had so much hope for the future… like I couldn’t wait to see what the world had to offer.
Couple years later I found out. The hard way.
That’s a hard question to answer because my depression was off and on a lot throughout my life. Though proably back in the end of 2018 around December getting to spend Christmas with an ex. Of course, that all went dark too. Everytime I had something good in life, it went sour soon after.
Oh boy, it’s quite the story; The year or two after I dropped out of high school/got my GED were at least above average good. I didn’t need any psychiatric meds the whole time, was living on my own for the first time (which is still one of the best things in my life), and I legit believed that if I worked hard and was smart I could make it in the rat race.
Then 2009 happened. It was two years of hell lasting until late 2010. Then it took me another two years to crawl out of that hole. I guess it was happy, it wasn’t miserable.
Then about 2012 -2016 was solidly awesome. Good jobs, time for hobbies, felt good about myself…. The main two things during this time were the jobs. First for several years I worked at a mental health hospital, which was as close to heaven as a job can get. I grew up going camping with the guys, that was the kind of 9-5 I had. Only it wasn’t 9-5, it was 3-11, and it was four days of the week, Friday to Monday. That meant the middle of my week was relatively free of administration, so I was mostly on my own as far as what I wanted to do.
I’m not going to get into the three month funk after that, since I rolled it off. I found a job inspecting gas meters and it was also absolutely amazing. I got a company car, decent pay, and I spent 35 of my 40 hours alone walking around outside. The remaining five hours was meetings and administrative stuff. Then the company I worked for lost our contract, and I got so sick I ended up in the hospital.
So halfway through 2016 to halfway through the end of 2017 was miserable. In fall 2017 I went back to school, and had success. I finished my associates (the entirety of which was a slog), and January 2018 I arrived at university.
What followed was the most successful two years of my life. I kept a damn 3.9 GPA, served as an officer of the psychology club, and got a job as a research assistant working on intergenerational trauma. Lots of friends, and it seemed like I could not lose… I got sponsored to go to a national conference and present my research, still the high point of my life.
This is the time I know the most clearly what went wrong. I didn’t get into grad school, and I graduated into the worst economy in a decade.
2020 – present has been….. depressing. I worked a bunch of jobs that didn’t take. My health went downhill.
ah but it’s good to think about those good years. I realize now that I was innocent and easy to trick. While my present isn’t great, I don’t anticipate ever being hurt like I did preceding each of my major life crisis situations. I’ll never trust people with authority over me to that level again. I’ve had the metaphorical sand kicked in my face for the last time.
For so many years I thought I was the problem, but when I look back I see that I was successful when my job allowed me to be. I did just fine when I had supportive people around me. The problem is that where I live is toxic to those kind of people. Smart, kind people find work somewhere else.
Not that location is the only factor, just the leading one. Where I live now is a quasi 3rd world country where dreams go to die. The majority of people I meet who moved here were running away from something in a more economically successful state, be it the law, abuse, etc. So imagine that for a minute; a state full of marginalized and mentally ill people.
I was happiest when I thought I was getting out.