I seem to be posting a lot lately (sorry.) Every now and then I get a clear reflection of who I really am, and it’s hard to cope with. I am a bad person. Even when compared to other obviously bad people, I’m unacceptable. I wouldn’t quite say I’m the lowest of the low, but I’m damn close.
Now of course there’s always little things anyone can do to improve themselves. But I’m so far behind, morally and socially, that it seems like no matter how much I try, the best I could hope for would be toleration and pity. I mean if I really work at it, I could be the lonely guy who everyone keeps at a distance but still try to be kind to. The one who you invite to the odd social occasion secretly hoping he won’t come. He makes you a bit uncomfortable, but it seems like he’s trying hard, bless him.
It’s hard to summon up much motivation to strive for that. Maybe it’s pride, or narcissism, or stubbornness. Like I’m above that kind of existence (when really I’m so far below it.) But I think perhaps I’d rather stay beyond the pale, out in the wilderness, than be tolerated and pitied as some broken thing.
I want to say ”Fuck You! You think you’re better than me?” Of course, odds are that you are better than me. I’m in the bottom 1%, morality wise. Statistically speaking, you’re probably in a position to fairly view me with disgust.
But when there’s no way to make up the debt, or wipe the slate clean, or return to an even playing field, it’s hard to accept that gulf. That you’ll never be truly worthwhile or acceptable.
I don’t want to be the broken thing that you look at, with pity or disgust. I don’t want to be the example of what not to do, and how not to live. I don’t want to have my inferiority constantly reflected back at me.
If I can’t be on a par, if I can’t be worthy or truly accepted as part of the tribe, then I think I’d rather cease being altogether.
I don’t want to feel angry with you for being better than me, for being in a position to judge me, though anger and resentment flow easily enough. I’m no Cain. No petulant shooting spree for me. The fault lies with me, not you. I mean, I could trace my flaws back to my biology, and the effects of a somewhat hostile environment. But that wouldn’t be your fault, would it? You were just better placed to succeed at this game we call life. To become a decent and worthwhile person.
Good for you. I wish you well (or at least I try to, when I’m not imagining you being atomised by some global apocalypse.) To the victor go the spoils. Congrats. Not bitter, honest. But I think I’d rather not be here to see it. Limping on alone, while you live your meaningful lives.
I wish I could just stop…but I can’t seem to bring myself to.
7 comments
Inertia is a *****, I know.
“Decent and worthwihile” vs. “tolerated” vs. lonely and self-defeated? I think tolerated is a step in a better direction, if you can swing it.
-from a co-member of the lonely and self-defeated club
Toleration would be a step up. I mean, I’d still be lonely and self-defeated. But there might be more polite yet awkward conversation involved. The barest trappings of respectability, without any of the real emotional benefits.
That would take an awful lot of endurance and forbearance though. So much more appealing to numb it all away, and wait for the end. Why keep playing an obviously losing hand, if you’re not enjoying the game?
You may be lonely, but from what I remember of your writing you seemed fairly decent. Are you sure there’s no place for you among the living? Or was it not enough somehow?
Hmm. Maybe the inertia is mine.
Anyway, just wanted to say “hi, hope you’re well”.
The inertia is definitely mine, though I’m sure there’s enough for everyone.
I’m ‘same old’. How are you?
You know, i’m that. That guy that is just decent enough so they might invite him somewhere out of pity, which turns into me trying not to spoil things for everyone else. I used to be at the point that you mention, what you basically describe as a bad person, but you know what? i’m not so sure that’s the case. I can only speak for myself, but i was better off when i was “bad” if you ask me.
There’s a catch to that tho: no matter if i’m the bad person or the nicest person around, i’m still going to end up being the guy that’s looked at with pity, because imho it doesn’t matter how good or bad or awful you are, it’s just a random freaking lottery. I think that being accepted is just an illusion at this point, because no matter how much we “belong” somewhere, we’re always going to be alone, and end up alone too, so those happy lives you mention seeing from a distance… yup, not so happy in reality. Might sound like a grim outlook on life, but i guess that’s just me coming to terms with being socially inept, even if i can fake it pretty easily if i wanted too (but i don’t anymore).
Hmmm, maybe. Although if everyone were this miserable, you’d think you’d see signs of reduced functioning.
Some people definitely seems to get judged as inferior, and sometimes that really seems to be based on their character. Everyone is technically psychologically alone, but not everyone seems to feel it to the same extent. Maybe no one’s truly happy, but some people seem far more miserable than others.
thehusk,
yeah after reading all the remarks all i can say is.
Yeah i’m kind of a loner myself.
If anyone want’s to be around me they have to fit into my world.