Vacation time

Tomorrow I fly away to visit family and I’m terrified.  It’s not gonna be how I thought it would. Just found out a bunch of new things about family dynamics that I’m struggling to accept.  My mother seems to have forgiven my father for his trespasses.  I can’t and I don’t want to spend more time with him. I’m just trying to hope that I don’t get into conflict with him.  I wanted to look forward to my vacation but now I’m dreading it.  I just want to stay home and die.  Why is everything garbage?  And part of me knows it’s not actually all garbage but I’m in an awful place right now and I hate everyone and want to kill everyone including myself.  I hope I figure out a way to deal and put on a fake smile cuz I don’t really have much of another choice.  Maybe I should just double check Air Bnbs.