._.

I also dislike when people say things like you just want attention, or you won’t kill yourself because you told someone your suicidal which means you wanted help or some stupid shit like that. I also really hate the if you haven’t committed already, then you won’t thing because if you really wanted to you would have already.

Like 1) I don’t want attention, ever, I didn’t even mean to tell anyone I knew that I was going to kill myself. I was just going to do it and leave a goodbye note. I didn’t want anyone to know (not like there’s anyone in my life, or that I have any friends to tell, or anyone I care about, that I would miss too much to kill myself. I’ve always pretty much just been alone – Thank God)

2) No techniques don’t help, medication doesn’t help, therapy doesn’t help at all. Those things are like slavery to me. Everyone keeps telling me it’s a “mental illness.” I think it is a personal decision.

3) I’ve been hoping to end my life for a long time. I’m done with living. There’s nothing I could ever do to improve my situation. It’s not worth it. But that doesn’t mean I can kill myself so easily. Especially now that they’ve taken me hostage and doped me up on their medication. Now that I’ve been forced into their system I can’t just go get the gun I need to commit, after 13 years of planning, and end my unwanted and unnecessary life. Now I’ve had to look for another way to end it although that had always been my go-to. So I may have to travel and spend a ton of money JUST TO END MY LIFE.

Right now my agenda looks like: either finish my jail work and work my day job to pay my last remaining debt of 2,000$ then attempt or attempt without paying it and maybe have this really cheap, quick method not work.

Then if it doesn’t work – things will get fun, I’ll have to see if I can purchase firearms or if I’ll be denied based on my -background- (being taken hostage and doped in their unit) and I’ll have to maybe get a cheap car to commit in (~1,000$)

And if that doesn’t work and I’m denied, things will get really really fun and I’ll have to buy a plane ticket to Mexico City to get the monster.

Oh well maybe something will look up and a better way to commit will appear in front of me.

So don’t be like if you haven’t then you won’t, you know?

And on top of that I started being followed and raped in 2015 and now I tally in at 165 rapes since December 2015.