So, assuming the main reason I haven’t killed myself yet is fear, fear of what? The experience of dying for a start. Presumably I’d fall unconscious fairly quickly with what I have in mind. Perhaps feeling a bit lightheaded or nauseous beforehand. But what if there’s a surge of panic when I feel it kicking in? What if I reflexively abort it halfway through, and end up with permanent brain damage?
Supposing I do get to the point where I lose consciousness, and my brain cells start dying off…what’s that like? Is it actually like anything? Is there a sudden flood of activity as parts of the brain realise that the oxygen supply has been turned off? Is there terror? Desperation? Regret? Does your life flash before your eyes in painful detail? Does every second start to feel like a tortuous eternity?
And when the brain’s finally dead, and all activity has ceased, is that really it? No more pain, no more thought, no awareness? That’s what I assume, but what if my thinking is skewed? What if there really is some continuous part of the self that exists independent of the physical body, as most people have claimed throughout history? I fear that. I fear being confronted with what I’ve done in life. I fear judgement, shame, punishment, torment. I fear having to exist with the awareness of what I’ve done, in a state of eternal regret and isolation. Of course, I see no logical reason to believe in any of that. But what if I’m wrong?
Then there’s the attachments I have to this world. I fear letting go of my impossible hopes and dreams. Finally admitting reality…that there will be no happy ending. Facing the full hopelessness of my existence. That in itself is terrifying.
And I fear the effects on those I’d leave behind, who I’ve wronged so much already. Having to deal with my loss, when they’ve invested so much in me. I fear the devastation that would cause them. I can’t see them recovering. I fear being the one to do that to them, to cast that shadow over their lives. To pass on my hopelessness and despair to them.
So the question I’m left with is, to what extent should I let those fears dictate my actions? It seems like up to a point, delaying killing myself might be a sensible response. But when some threat of greater hardship inevitably arises, I should probably take the plunge. Being made homeless, or my past finally catching up with me. Serious illness, or disability. As soon as something like that appears, I should probably check out. Though it’s an open question as to whether I’ll be able to, when the time comes. I should probably prepare, so that I’m as ready as I can be.
But in the mean time…I have no idea how to go on living. I have nothing to live for. I’ve ruined my life beyond all repair. I’m just living to delay death. I feel so incredibly tired. Motivation to do anything is so hard. Nothing feels worthwhile. I’m running on fear, and nothing else. And this is as good as it gets. There’s nothing to hope for, no good outcome to fight for. There’s no happy ending, it will never be ok, and it will get worse over time. That sounds absurdly pessimistic, but I think it’s actually accurate. I just want it all to stop. But I can’t stop. To stop is effectively to die. And death still terrifies me.
6 comments
My situation is absolutely identical, with one difference, I have no fear or belief in an afterlife. The quality of the writing in this post is pretty impressive particularly ” finally admitting reality that there will be no happy ending”. That line is where I’m at.
I’m sorry you’re in the same spot. I would do nearly anything to avoid facing the reality of my situation. I suppose it’s good if you have no fear of anything beyond death. That’s a real weight on my mind, which I can’t seem to shake.
Your post is very thought provoking. I must say that you express the same dilemma I’m sure many of us face. Guilt and the fear of judgement keep many people living lives of misery.
It’s just…sad. I can’t help feeling that life shouldn’t be like this – that people shouldn’t be put in this situation. But of course that presumes that life is fair and just. Accepting that reality is that bleak is difficult.
I don’t know? But all those thing’s are scaring the hell out of me!
I think it’s good your thinking about everything. Not helpful but honest.
I have a method that involves asphyxiation. I have been delaying my suicide since 2012 – which was supposed to be my last year alive. Never been happy, but that isn’t what matters here. I hit hardship strongly starting in 2013 and has just creepily followed me all the way to 2019. Kind of like a paparazzi following, say, Britney Spears. I hit an even worse hardship in 2016 after already terrifying hardship in 2015. So I began to think more seriously about my method. My method of choice is quick and fast but current I have no access to that method which is the heart of my suicide, so the next available option is asphyxiation. I am afraid how it will feel, even though I have read painless, to cross between life and death and if it will really work. I also do not wish to cause brain damage because I’ve probably already caused enough brain damage from slamming my head on the concrete jail cells (I cracked my skull.) So… the only reason I haven’t killed my self yet is because I trust my fast quick method more than this asphyxiation… I did however overdose on pills in 2016 and that was a failed attempt (I wouldn’t have taken the pills if I didn’t honestly think that I was going to die right then.) but I didn’t.. so that’s horrible.