I am new to this forum. And despite the anonymity,thanks to innocuous cynicism and paranoia being fed right from childhood,ill keep my story cryptic . Y does some denial despite denial of the denial or perception of the denial as redirection haunt for life…And when life gets through by the throat haunts life or worse looms large or looms subtle to penetrate and compulse or sometimes its just deserved so casually a privilege, which is denied outrageously because of no fault of yours eventually forcing to take the blame and cause obnoxious scandals which could ruin an already existing or non existing life.
Y beyond all the careful cautious steps,should there lie caverns to swallow and digest so there are no traces in vicinity of anything to belong to the self and the worse part is despite comparison being a derailment , comparitive lethargic jerkdom are proferred rights to derision when for the alternate troop, active steps are forced to passivity and induced lethargy despite crawl outs and heave outs.
Troupes that life is unfair,reward and punishment disparities,suffering disparities,survival disparities, be reality denied or vigilante negativity denied, either way even when denial doesnt extend a ray to life, life is scary.
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I can totally relate to this post. In more ways than one.
You seem to be really insightful and introspective. Unfortunately, I’m the same. I say unfortunately because I often find myself going deeper and deeper into my head. Even when I don’t think the pit is any further down, I keep falling. It’s like that scene in Alice in Wonderland, where she falls so far down the rabbit hole that she reaches the other side of the earth. Everything is turned on it’s head. Things we thought we knew are twisted and unrecognizable now leaving us to question our lives, our sanity, and even our own existence. That’s how I’ve come to see it. We are Alice and the rabbit is our thoughts. We chase those thoughts down the rabbit hole, falling deeper and deeper, with the hole getting darker and darker. And it’s only after everything around us grows pitch black that we realize we have no idea how to get out again.
I think the reason you find life to be scary, is because how deep of a rabbit hole you’re in. Life is, in itself, neither a gift or a curse. It’s just a state of being. And right now, you’re life is tumbling down a hole of paranoia and self doubt, with no idea of where you’re going or where you’ll land. It’s your thoughts that are truly the most terrifying.
Now, I’m not giving you this lecture because I’ve figured out a solution to your problem. I’m telling you this because I’m stuck in this hole too. And I’ve spent enough time falling to hazard a bit of self reflection through all this. Hopefully we’ll both find a way back onto solid ground someday. That’s kinda what I’m hoping to keep myself sane.