No suicide for the time being, so gotta focus on making things less painful. Except the pain is leaking out of me, consuming me. I did this to myself. I chose this. I didn’t think it would be like this, but no one ever does. I desperately want to make it stop, but I don’t know how.
Got to focus on making things better. Even though I feel dead inside. Got to figure out a way to stop torturing myself like this. I’m utterly alone, and always will be. No one could ever accept me as I really am. I made myself into this. No way back. Got to find a way to accept it. Take pleasure in the small things. Dismiss the longing deep inside.
Pull yourself out of your bed, with the energy you don’t have. Ignore the dead feeling, the numbing ache, the despair. Focus on making things marginally less bad.