Conflict

Reasons To Kill Myself:

• Fear of extreme suffering in future – imprisonment, violence, poverty, homelessness, accident, disability.
• Ending my current emotional cycle of regret, despair, longing, guilt, shame, self-hatred, craving, & fear.
• Ending the near constant low level physical discomfort.
• Ridding the world of my stain, and preventing any future negative effects on others.

Reasons Not To:

• Emotional devastation of family – my parents and sister.
• Fear of the experience of dying.
• Fear of something worse beyond death.
• Attachment to fantasies of a future – love, contentment, peace etc.
• Attachment to being in this world- memory, beauty, music.
• Fear of making a mistake – that continuing to live could somehow be worthwhile.
• Addiction to certain experiences and sensations.

I wish I could settle consistently on one side or the other, rather than constantly flipping back and forth over the course of each day. It makes it impossible to pursue meaningful action toward living or dying.