My depression is spilling over into my professional life. I just can’t summon the strength anymore to go on, let alone put in a full days work. I know I’m easily replaceable as I’m the bottom rung on the ladder. Soon as I fall, they’ll scrape me off the floor like roadkill and get a younger, less dreary person in here. It’s the natural order of things I guess. For those that don’t go psycho, there is the option of simply letting your life crumble around you. Up to this point, I’ve been trying frantically to keep going, working, socializing etc etc.
It’s a new level of empty that I’m feeling now. I thought I was suicidal before but this is it. I feel like I’ve already done it, and that I’m just a ghost walking about, trying not to bump into anything despite the fact that I affect nothing.
I feel ghostly. I guess before I always felt like I could turn things around because I’m a narcissist like that but no. I can’t go on anymore, this perceived loneliness has to end. I’m young, fit; I can’t imagine 30+ more years of this, being alone, not making connections. I love everyone of you and wish I had the capacity to get to know each and everyone of you, even if it was just online friendships. I see how biscuit and some other familiar names have carved out a clique of sorts here. I wish I could be apart of that; I wish I could know you all, talk with you all like chums. Even in this haven for the forgotten, my lips are sealed. Even here, where there is no fear of persecution, I hide from my fellow man.
For some reason it burns, talking to people, being around them. It burns and my energy drains. Just knowing that someone else can see me is more than I can handle most days. Why does my body feel so negatively? I wish I could feel genuine, serious about life, you know? I don’t feel like I take anything seriously. There’s always this voice in my head looking at the downside of things, reminding me that I’m just a cynical bastard and nothing anyone says ever truly affects me.
I could easily jump in front of train, slit my wrists or carbon monoxide myself but.. I’m just not down deep in the dumps enough. This is a new level of depression for me, but not what I need to be able to finally pull the trigger and end things.
5 comments
You got major depression. Go see a Docto(talk to some one) cause if your young hot and still want to end your life. Something’s wrong with you. Could be a chemical thing?
You shouldn’t feel bad about talking around here. I make an idiot of myself everytime I type and I still welcome the vague sense of kinship I get. If you don’t like being seen then hide your face, put a scarf over your mouth and tinted glasses of some kind. You can get away with that at least until winter ends.
Have you tried going hunting? From what you’ve posted here in the past that’s something you might enjoy. If you live in the US you should try and tag along the gun enthusiast kind of crowd.
Don’t wait until it’s too late. I know the feeling you are describing very well. Going through life feeling like an imposter. Letting yourself go to waste is an option, but not the only one. Just a tip: the saying “Doing as if…” doesn’t really help.
@ tphg; Hello. My favorite definition of “courage” is: Being scared shitless about doing something, but doing it anyways. I remember seeing an interview once with a guy who surfs monster waves in Hawaii. The interviewer asked the surfer if he ever gets scared out there, dropping in and riding huge waves that could easily drown him if anything went wrong. Surfer answers “Yeah, it scares me every time it gets this big, but I still go”.
Maybe that’s the secret? Finding a way to face adversity with the attitude that you will conquer and overcome. Even if you fail, what’s the worst thing that could happen? Death? We’re all gonna die anyways, so you might as well drop in. Kick ass and take names.
If the reality of work is too boring or overwhelming, try smoking weed before you get there. I used to do that a looong time ago, and it made dealing with people so much easier. People who annoyed me sober became tolerable (and sometimes comical) when I dealt with them high.
You sound pretty down, sorry to hear that. This site would be a good place to recruit snipers, suicide bombers, assasins, ninja’s, etc. If you really don’t care if you live or die, maybe you could find meaning by doing something dangerous? Something that really gets the adrenaline flowing, where you cheat death engaging in risky behaviors that most other people would shy away from. It probably pays pretty well, eh?