It sobers me

I hate that I can be out somewhere having fun, having a nice time, and trying to get drunk to forget my problems and always in the front of my mind I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t even feel tipsy even though I’ve drunken so much. We went to a golfing place and we were on the third floor and I just kept thinking if it would kill me jumping of the ledge from that third floor. I was surrounded by old coworkers and my boyfriend and still in my mind I thought I would be better off if I just sprinted off that ledge. I don’t know how much longer I’ll survive. I think I need like something covering my wrists to help me not thing about any of that. Out of sight and out of mind right? I’m suppose to start some therapy tomorrow so maybe that’ll help? Fuck idk I really don’t know how long I can last. I’ve lasted almost 10 years with this bullshit mental illness at least.