I was fishing yesterday,many things on my mind, suicide at the forefront as per usual, my fishing companion was making conversation which did not interest me, thats no reflection on him if anything its a reflection of my mental state, the conversation was drifting in one ear and out the other and then he mentioned his brother in law was in the fire brigade and had been called to a park earlier in the week to retrieve a body, a suicide.
Now Im all ears and want to know more. One has to thread very carefully when discussing suicide with a ” normie” so its a case of mind your mouth and beware your talk when it comes to mentioning suicide, the poker expression never show your hand is of paramount importance here, you mention suicidal ideation to the wrong person it goes bad places.
This guy mentioned the name of the park, I couldnt fucking believe it, I had been in that very park a year ago actually looking for a suitable tree but couldnt find one, mostly beech or ash, they just didnt look suitable for a successful hanging. This guy that took his life had went much deeper into the park and found a satisfactory tree late at night, a storm tossed night, then the fishing companions brother in law got that call of a body in the park, him and his partner in the fire brigade literally had to cut the body down from the noose, brutal reality in all its horror. I always thought it was the poilce who deal with suicides but apparently its the fire brigade that deal with the body, the police have the unenviable task of knocking on the suicide victims front door and revealing what happened to the family.
Cautiously I enquired whether this guy in the fire brigade sees suicides regularly and the answer was yes, brutal reality in all its horror again, bloody handprints and footprints all up the wall and over the ceiling, the suicide victims had tried to pull themselves back up from the noose but it was too late so a hellish struggle ensued. At this juncture in the conversation I had to light a cigarette,this is why Euthanasia should be readlily available. Then as quickly as it started the conversation drifted back to more ordinary topics.
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I’ve been sort of reconnecting with a sibling, and twice now have casually mentioned “methods”, only to have her respond very adamantly that they aren’t solutions. In our conversations, she won’t even go there, not even a bit. She and I are very similar, which tells me she does think about it and is afraid that she thinks about it…kind of like a person who ate the last piece of cake guiltily denying it, even as they are wiping frosting from their lips. That’s ok. I get it, it’s a lot of shame and guilt involved in dealing with these thoughts and the never ending chatter and themes of “You matter” that are present in society don’t help matters any. I’ve seen a couple of hangings that people live streamed, and in both cases their hands remained free. Within one to two seconds, both of these people reached up in an attempt to free themselves. That image, more so than their action to end their lives, is burned into my memory. Ultimately they got what they wanted, but it’s that it seemed to me they instantly regretted what they were doing…I don’t know. It terrifies me to think that in the instant the noose takes a person’s full weight, then and only then do they decide life is worth living, but it’s probably just a physical reaction to the situation. As for what dealing with the aftermath does to law enforcement and other social servants, well…I just hope that in their training it’s made clear to them what to expect and that options for counseling are made available to them. There’s no way I’d be able to deal with what they do. I’m far too weak.