All I do is lay here. I was laying here in the past, I will be in the future, and I’m laying here now. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to toxicity. Look at me now dad, are you proud. Look at what you’re daughter has done with her life because you we’rent there to show an example of how a man should treat me. Now all I’m doing is laying. It’s better now or never. That’s what my grandma told me when I wanted to face my fears. But my biggest nightmare is coming true. I’m becoming my own worst enemy and I’m becoming the person I tried my hardest not to. I have cried more this week then I have all last month. I can’t think of a reason to get the fuck out of bed. I son’t understand what going to happen. We are in the present the “Now”
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You’re incredibly young. You are not at your final form when you are 14. I promise you. The healing takes a long, long time but it does happen. Slowly, but surely.
We return to the abuse because it feels like home to us. We don’t know the feeling of anything else. We were taught that that abuse, that neglect.. was love.
My advice to you is to wait to engage is relationships until late sophomore or early junior year of high school. Nobody knows what they’re doing at 14, 15, etc. relationship wise. And even more so, I highly suggest working on emotional stability before getting into a relationship, or even hooking up with someone.
This is so cliche of me to say, but things begin to get easier as you age (not to say the pain goes away, that’s a different topic). It’s okay to not know what’s going on. It’s okay to be confused, confused to the point where all you can do is cry. I have been there. So many people have been there and you’re not alone, I promise.