He said I was too late for him. That I didn’t tell him in time, I hate myself for it. Everything hurts and all that can make it better is having him. He is all I could ever want and it sucks being in love and not having him hurts more then a death could ever, I’m starting to lose myself without him and it breaks my heart more and more everyday. He says one day in the future but what if im gone before i get a chance to be with him
What do you do when you’re in love with your best friend and he has fallen for someone else. I know I’m about to pick up the piece of his broken heart but there is nothing I can do to stop him from getting hurt again. Nobody is ever gonna love him like I do. I’m Ms. Nice Girl. Girl only want sex from him but he is all I want. His entire personality and everything about him makes my heart melt into a thousand pieces and I love him. He has been there for me always. But right now he is playing with my emotions always texting me he misses me and that he loves me life just stop because I can’t take this shit anymore. Like honestly he face times me everyday just to tell me I’m beautiful and then goes and does this like was I even in your mind at all. Will you ever think of me in the way I think of you? I’ve been trying to make you realize that I’m meant for you for years but you’re to blind
Today is my birthday 4 more years until I’m an adult, they say every year gets easier but they couldn’t be more wrong. Getting older doesn’t do anything besides take us one year closer to death. At all cost just keep your head down and fake a smile. I’ve been doing that for almost 6 years and I’ve seemed to get passed the world and there standers. Everyone is wish me a happy birthday and all I can say is thank you if even that. Life gets harder every year you are alive and everything just sucks. I’ve been losing sleep, yesterday was my first day back to school from break and I had to fight sleep in all 5 classes. Today it’s going to be the same story. It’s always that everyday, headphones become your best friend in the beginning and apart of your body at the end. Energy drink after another, one smoke after another until I can’t feel and I’m able to just lay there and think of what my life has come to. I’m so young and I’ve grown up to fast, I’ve already had to take a pregnancy test because sex is a form of physical touch that isn’t a punch, smoking everyday and downing a bottle of vodka because it gives me emotion. I don’t know what else to say beside happy birthday.
It was brought to my attention that i didn’t give enough detail about my attempt and how I went into my coma. I went through a horrible break-up that lead me to suicide, the guy told my to get ran over by a train on halloween night, the next day i decided that I didn’t deserve to live the rest of my life. I grabbed a bottle of random pills and took them all. I was rushed to the hospital but it was already in my system, they had to pump my stomach and i didn’t wake up till 2 weeks later I was placed into a mental hospital for a while and was put into intense therapy. I didn’t have my “Normal” life back until recently. It was a horrible experience that I had to go through. My mind is till a dark place but while I was in a coma I could hear everything. My friends and family crying broke my heart because I flat lined a total of 3 times. I can tell you there is no hell or heaven. You are a soul in a body and until you find a new body for your soul you are just a lost soul roaming the earth. They had to restart my heart and I finally knew I was at peace with death once I knew what it was like. I’m still recovering but for anyone who was wondering about my coma here it is. the story
In the middle of the first hello and the final goodbye there is the painful words of “I love you”
I feel like if I bleed out someone will finally care that I’m suffocating in my own sadness. I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling okay, the only person I ever felt something with left me. His words were like knives and killed me with an “I love you” but I was too blind in love to see the lies behind his eyes. All I want to do is lay here, Christmas doesn’t even feel the same. I can’t find the jolly spirt I felt when I was younger, guess thats what happens when you grow up right? I feel like I’m flouting in a sea of happiness that I can’t drowned myself in/ Sleep is all I’ve really come to know, my only true friend. Besides that I’ve been coping with cigarets and fake smiles. I’m starting to realize that I’m becoming the person that my parents don’t want and the person I fear the most is me. I don’t want to disappoint my parents, but does anybody really? I can hear a song that reminds me of a better time but I ruin due to my always shitty mood. What can I say other then “I’ll do better.” a phrase I learned way to young that slips off my tongue like water. The only things i can say i really know is cigarettes, sleep, and sex. Ah yes sex, what a wonderful thing but not so wonderful when it is the only way to feel the touch of another person without wanting to cry in their arms. I started loving myself again and then the dark shadow came back after he left. I really hate myself for letting him leave but I knew if I held onto it, it would have done more damage to me then it already has. I try to put myself first but when I do it’s like I’m loading a gun and when I don’t I pull the trigger. Why can’t I just be happy without drugs and sex, is there really any hope for me anymore. If there is and it is the bright light at the end of the long tunnel of life then can I get there sooner?
- That girl
It has been awhile since I’ve been able to come onto my favorite website, I attempted and was put into a coma. it was a really rough time and I was able to fight through it. lilsuicideangle007 is back and I’m keeping my same theme, my poems and rants, my stories and I’m just happy to be saying hello again to my identity. I’m back 🙂
You smile, smiling at everyone who has ever caused you pain. A smile is glued to your face because there are many secrets hiding behind those eyes of hazel.
Do they know about what hides behind that sweatshirt, in 90 degree weather.
Do they know about what he did to you and why your are no longer innocent, why you don’t show skin anymore.
Do they know why you stay asleep and never leave your room, behind locked doors where you are safe
Do they know why you are scared of falling in love, because he hurt you so badly you have no hope
Do they know why you smile 24/7, to hide the secrets that those eyes cry at night. This is a daily life for me, its a cycle. I used to to use self harm as a coping skill but it distorted me. So now here I am with an addiction to starve myself and burns all over your body. Smoking one maybe four cigarets a day to feel like you have control of something. You don’t inhale you let it sit in your mouth and your wonder why you chose this life style. It has never been easy for me and I get that some kids have it way worse but the secrets that hide in my mind are enough to make a councilor think that I’m insane but maybe I am. I don’t know whats wrong with me but there is a lot. There is no explanation on why I just don’t take “Happy Pills” more than I’m suppose too and go to the promise land. Keep fighting I will tell myself that everyday but nothing is ever happens. I’m fighting a war I will never win with secrets to go with it
Goodnight and until the next written poison
To add on the story of Juliet, he did it Romeo left you because you weren’t perfect, it’s okay but it’s not because you couldn’t live without him so next thing you know you stop writing because you where in the hospital you relapsed and took magic candy’s that can make you go away but people care so you where in the hospital. You are no longer happy with yourself because you without him is like a circus without a clown. But he’s the clown because he hurt you for the 5th time so maybe he’s not the clown but you are for falling a toxic piece of shit. A piece of shit that could have killed you. You’re better off without him but he’s a drug. He’s your drug and you’re addicted. But… nothing can numb the pain that you feel because you’re broken because of him. Sleeps numbs the pain the Romeo did. I love him… But I shouldn’t.
I’m fat, I’m over weight and I’m Juliet. Oh Romeo is a fuck boy thats a stoner. He brakes me to piece and i love it. I can’t live without him anymore. Taking 30 pills is not a fantasy yet a reality. Oh Romeo using me poor Juliet for sex. The one thing I can say that is very normal for the very young age of 5 that if he touch you, you can’t say anything so fuck it. Fall for Romeo because he gives you attention. Fuck you Juliet because Romeo hurt you so badly and you went back. Romeo, Romeo where are thou Romeo. Romeo is in the basement fucking another girl and getting drunk off his ass but toxic relationships are what my dad thought me. Morphing myself for him. Becoming perfect so I can feel loved again
I’m waiting for someone who will come take me away to the promise land and help me out of this hell hole that I get to call my life. I’m in pain and all I do anymore is sleep when I was to be happy it doesn’t work because people can see behind those lies and I can’t. I’ll lie about being okay and then think I’m okay when I’m really not. The stars will shine so bright at night it’s almost hypnotizing. I mind my own business in my hoodies and sweatpants but I don’ t know what I’m doing anymore. Falling out of love hurts but falling in love hurts even more because it’s nothing but lies. I don’t know what I am anymore. Am i a person with emotions or am I nothing, Life has nothing in it for you or for me, so whats the point in feeling all this pain. Every love song reminds me of her. I don’t want to feel anything anymore and idk anymore. I had to rant
I’m scared, I’m scared of a lot of things but non less then love. I’m so scared to fall in love that it gives me anxiety. I shake and tremble. The last time I fell in love was with this amazing guy. I let my guard down and he took advantage of it. Took my heart told me that he would love me forever and that we wouldn’t hurt me. Stupid for me to believe him. He still crosses my mind. I’m with this girl who I’m falling for. It’s to the point where I want to cry but I can’t because I’m so numb to everything. The world is crashing down on me and I don’t know what to do about it. She will ignore me for hours on end and thats the same thing he did. If I keep falling for her I don’t know what I will do. I can’t handle this pain if it happens again. I’m so sick of feeling like this. I want to be able to fall in love and not be scared of what will happen afterwords.
Today is going to be the start of stopping my self harm, this quarantine thing ends for my state on April 30, 2020 so I’m happy about that. But today my arms will no longer look like a bar code. Uhm yea thats all I have to say
They say the white light is something you see before death, before entering heaven. I don’t think that because if that where true then why have I seen this bright light 100 times before in my life. Every-time I say I’m not hungry, I’m just really cold, I’m tired. My head hurts with nothing to do but let my thoughts roam free. Being locked up in the same house not being able to see the people who make me the happiest. Life isn’t a trap the way you look at it is. I wonder why after all I’ve done, all the pain I’ve caused myself and my family, the tragedy that I’ve dealt with at just the age of 5. Why I was given a second chance. Not seeing that white light was weird. The white light is like a curse seeing because every-time i see it is when I start to hear ringing in my ears I lose my breath and I get light headed, then I hit the floor. I’ve been under too much of societies standers it’s killing me slowly. Everyday I’m hoping it will be my last and that everyone won’t have to worry about me anymore. I need change in my life but I have nothing to change in it. Everything is okay. I want to say great but with and alcoholic crippled father and a mother who will ignore you any chance she gets. Everyday the suicidal thoughts run through my head like it’s going to end me. End me, what an odd fraise but yet so honest in the shittiest time in this world in this life! I hate myself for everything. I’m too fat, too ugly, too stupid, not enough. It’s all too known to me at such a young age. Wondering how long until I see that White Light again.
– That girl
I’m fading away more and more everyday and I’m struggling. Trying to find the right words to explain it is complicated. I’m under quarantine and I hate it. But all I do is sleep and draw. I rarely eat anymore because when I leave my room I get targeted by my brother to be his throwing doll. As I hope that every breath will be my last I know that the angle of death won’t come and sent me free because it’s not my time.
But it’s kinda hard to not want that feeling of freedom. I’m alone. Alone with the thoughts that keep me captive to my own bed. I just lay here helpless knowing that whatever I do or say won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. My girlfriend tries to remind me that she’s here with me but like I always say “You’re not the cause of these demons in my head, therefor you shouldn’t have to take on the responsibility of helping me conquer them.” She smiles and says she loves me but it’s only a matter of time before she see’s how clingy and problematic I am. Its been 1 month and she hasn’t given up on me. I fade away with every fake smile and “I’m Fine” Because of my past there are things that I can’t let go of. I have scars from when I was 5 yrs old and wanting to already end my life. It’s not worth losing yourself and personality worth. But it’s a struggle to keep my head up.
It’s now an everyday struggle to get out of bed knowing that nothing out of my room is worth getting up for. I want to lose weight so i begin to starve. I don’t get out of bed anyways and so thats being to help me. I hate the fact that I’m on 20 different pills for the same fucking thing. I want to be in the arms of someone who is willing to listen to me and not tell me that “I’ll be fine” because I won’t. I want to kill myself and I don’t want to get out of my bed not because I’m “Lazy” but because I physically can’t move. Why is my mind racing 24/7 when I have nothing to be thinking about besides don’t getting out of bed. I can’t keep struggling with my so called “Family” and what I mean by that is a mother who is clearly dying. A dad that is in a wheelchair and can’t walk. Also dying. A sister who doesn’t talk to you. And a druggie brother. What an amazing home to live in right? So yeah I don’t get out of bed because whats the point. I’m going to end up crying and hiding in my room. Music helps drowned out the sounds of me crying at night. Whats that on your wrist. Oh I have a really mean “Cat.” I’m fine, I’m just tired. I’m going to lay down and stay in bed because I can’t move because my depression has me tied in ropes to that bed.
Hello again. In to the madness of my mind. Hi how are you I’m “Fine” you don’t talk that often. You’re right I don’t. I don’t because I don’t see a reason to because when I talk I get ignored and when someone talks to me I act normal because when I don’t I get shut down. You sleep a lot you should get out of your room. Breath you’ll be fine don’t think about it. I’ve been hurt too much to trust anyone so I sleep and breath and talk. Screaming for help but nothing comes out I’m silent. Suffocating in silence on the daily because you can’t say actually say you’re not okay. I’m giving up and yet know body out there to help thank you.
I say I’m okay when we all know I’m not. Smiling on the outside to be perfect, when in the inside I’m crying not seeing a point to keep existing when you’re only in pain and it sucks. Your friends left you. Your parents ignore you and your siblings beat you. But I’m okay. Its okay to not be okay sometimes but not all the time. Unlike some people my thoughts are the gun and the only thing I have to do is fall asleep because if you don’t do something to ignore the voices you’re going to pull the trigger. You’re okay! No I’m not. Act like you’re okay because if you don’t you’ll be hurt even more letting people in to see the darkness in your mind. But I’m okay! I promise. Leave me alone is a phrase said to often by your mouth. I say that but i know I don’t mean it. I want someone to ask me whats wrong but them I say nothing. I want someone to see that something is wrong. Please don’t go. Stay with me please don’t go. Then I get yelled at for not telling then that I’m not okay but when I do they ignore it. They get mad at you for anything and they wonder why you’re so silent. Anyone could see that I’m not okay but your see fine. I’m Okay!! I’m okay. I’m okay
It never ceases to amaze me how you say that you love me and then go around and make me cry on the daily. It’s not like I don’t know that you love me you just have a funny way of showing it. Dad it hurts me a lot to everyday have to come home and get screamed at for the stupidest shit ever. I try and try to be a good daughter and have hope that maybe one day everything will get better but it’s honestly so hard. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever put you though. I love you but sometimes it feels like I’m suffocating. Screaming for your help but somehow you’re deaf to it. So I cry at night and yet still you not caring. You put me though so much pain and you want to help my depression! But you’re not helping your just making it worse. I want you to love me! Not hurt me. Help me! Not yell at me. I’m fading away. I’m in pain. Listen to me. Please. I’m dying.
She smiles but the pain is getting to her. She looks though the window and stares at the stars. With the scarlet red blood trickling down to her silver blade. She can’t breath, she’s suffocating in silence. Screaming for help and yet nobody can hear her. Everybody is giving up on her so she’s hopeless. Crying though the nights and fighting everyday she keeps a smile on her face. It’s like a mask. A mask that only she can see under. She will fall in love and still get hurt. Getting lied to is just something that happens everyday. She can’t go another day living in pain. She hears the words too often. Ever since she learned what suicide was she was told that it was a permeant solution to a temporary problem. But the problem isn’t too temporary. Everyday is like a war. Fighting getting new scars everyday. Today she was killed. She took the pills and fell asleep. But in her casket she still smiles. Now everyone knowing that she was wearing a mask. She’s gone. With a smile